This entry is going to expose a lot of ugliness I've been trying to keep camouflaged as “friendliness.” It's common, yet unspoken of, as it's chained to judgement. Unfortunately, judgement is warranted here, since it's a pretty damn selfish thing to do/admit to. Think of this as my confession...
*deep breath* Here goes...
I lead guys on and drop them rather quickly (usually as I see fit). I know, what a bitch. Of course, I can't drop a guy who doesn't show interest towards me... so I pursue him a little. Yes, I love the chase too. One might ask whether I'm actually attracted to these guys? At the time – most of the time, but not all the time – I would say yes. The level of attraction grows and shrinks the more interaction there is between he and I. More often than not, it's a descending level of attraction. These guys would then enter into my Friend Zone.
No one gets out of the Friend Zone. Let the record show that I've never dated a good friend... not that it's slim pickin's in there, it's just not something that's happened.
The trend is that I have a one-month cut-off mark. That's the cut-off for the chase and the cut-off mark of when my initial attraction dies completely (i.e. it was nothing more than infatuation). If it goes longer than a month, but the relationship is not “going anywhere” in my eyes or circumstances just don't allow us to communicate often enough; I'd stop chasing suddenly, usually without warning and then the guy inadvertently proceeds into the Friend Zone. Even if the guy likes me back, I make sure “we” can't happen... mainly because I say to myself, “he doesn't know what's best for him, he's blinded by a petty crush. Therefore, to help him get over these emotions, I will cut him out of my life... because that's what I would want him to do for me should the roles be reversed.”
Why do I “toy” with people's feelings? I've narrowed it down to 4 reasons:
- attention
- boredom
- fear of rejection
- filling a void which I can't quite describe (Christians, don't tell me it's God. I know.)
In all fairness, at the time, it's not intentional. I'm not trying to hurt people. It's something I would pickup on after the fact... and quite frankly, it's probably been this way all my life because I never make a conscious effort to change. I'm a lazy cocky jerk. I'm a lazy cocky jerk that will eventually have her heart seriously broken and everyone – including herself – will say she deserved it.
I wait for that day in anticipation... (or maybe I should change my ways...)
