MINUTES TO SANITY

here fishy fishy

2011-07-01T01:47:00.002-04:00

I recently watched the massacre of the fish Janet caught, killed, and ate... and I thought to myself... damn, I'd hate to be that fish.

Even though I can't swim, I somehow managed to picture myself as a random fish just swimming around in the lake, nibbling on algae and hangin' out in the school... (ha – pun intended)

Today, however, something came into my sight... something new... something gorgeous... something strangely enticing... A DELICIOUS WORM!! Word on the street was that the Worm was probably the best thing on the water menu. The. Best. Thing. Ever. It presumably put the algae diet to SHAME.

There is also a rumour that surrounds the consumption of the Worm... apparently, eating it is a risk. Apparently those who've tasted the Worm either loved it and became obsessed with it... or they were to never be seen again. Strange. I don't know anyone personally who's tried it though. How bad can it be?

To make a long story short, I basically took the risk and engulfed the Worm... and it blew my mind. Literally. To my surprise, the inside of the Worm was a metal spear that penetrated through my jaw and forced into my brain. It didn't hurt... I only felt a surge of coldness permeate every inch of my body... the next thing I knew, I was suffocated, beaten, had my skin ripped off, all my insides pulled out and was burned. That was the end of it – the end of me.

...humm... this story can take many forms and teach many different life lessons... but for today, this will be mine: listen to the advice of others and look before you leap because not everything needs to be learned the hard way. If what you're chasing after is something truly good for you, then proceeding with caution shouldn't cause it to go away; it should only delay it... but the delay will only make that good thing taste even sweeter.

10%

2011-06-30T02:15:00.007-04:00

On my way home today, I decided to go for a walk in a nearby park... this walk evolved into an uncomfortably-reflective, self-analyzing confrontation of Julie 2010 by Julie 2011.

My mind flooded with fond memories of family and friends, career goals achieved, decisions made, regrets, relationships that have come and gone, lessons learned, sports teams... but for this entry, I will only speak to one of them: Giving.

The reason for this thought stemmed from Misa's sermon on Sunday, which lead to a discussion within my small group (L3), both talking about tithing. We plunged into a taboo dialogue that I believe - and hope – will leave me changed forever.

Giving the church 10% of your income. What do you think about that?

You're probably wondering, does Julie tithe that amount? – shamefully I will admit no, I don't. Perhaps not yet. But if you were to ask me, how much money I donated to charities, gave to those in need, used to buy food and snacks for the church and others, I will confidently say well more than 10% of my gross. Now here is my so-called “excuse” for not tithing the “proper amount”: I don't know how “the church” defined. Is it the building? Is it the gathering of people? Is it wherever worship happens?

I believe the church is more than just the building – it's people. “Giving to the church,” to me, means using our blessings – whether material wealth, skills/talents, time, energy, resources – to express love to others. Mind you, I'm coming from a mentality that says all material things here on earth will never really belong to me. All this stuff I have, it's God's stuff, I'm just taking care of it for now. So, quite frankly, what makes me more entitled to this stuff than the next guy?

That being said, if everything I have isn't really mine, then why not share?

Imagine... a world where everyone shared everything they had for the well-being of one another. We were taught sharing is caring as children... what happened? When did our toys become ours to conceal? When did we learn greed?

Disclaimer: I'm not saying that people who don't tithe or donate or whatever are greedy people.

My point is this... it's not about how much money you give to the church or to charities... it's not about what financial status you're in that dictates what you can give... heck, it's not even about the Bible saying we should give back 10% of our earnings... it's about where your heart is. Are you giving happily and graciously? Or are you giving it reluctantly and grudgingly? I'm sure if you were to grudgingly give your own parents money for whatever, they wouldn't want it. In the same way, I'm sure God doesn't want that money either. He doesn't want your money; He wants your heart.

I think the Bible asking us to give 10% is sooooo little in comparison to what is actually owed! And it's not just 10% of income, I think it's 10% of everything we have...! The act of giving income is probably to get us in a habit of giving regularly and simply being generous people. Perhaps we can look at tithing as teaching tool, if you will.

Or maybe I'm just a communist. Whatever it is, I think we as a wealthy nation, just needs to give more... and love it. =)

the funniest Comedian

2011-03-31T16:31:00.003-04:00

is God. Quit playing games with my heart, Man. Too many tests makes Julie crazy... not sure if I'm at the same level as Job. (Although... If I were God, screwing around w/ the situation I'm in would be pretty hilarious.)

living on the edge... not.

2011-03-30T00:46:00.005-04:00

I have a fear of rejection and it's ruining the person I think/thought I am/was.

Bam.

You know what the kicker is about rejection? It's the fact that a piece of you gets lost in the self-inflected vulnerability and that piece is irrecoverable. Gone - forever. And that to me sucks big time. I like the person I think I am... and a lot of that has to do with the level of confidence that allows me to be genuine in front of others. People act and think differently before they get rejected and act/think even more differently afterwards. So, when there's a potential for rejection, backing-off immediately to avoid the risk of losing one's identity seems to be natural, right?

Potential Rejection --> Avoidance --> Get over it --> Not Rejected --> Happiness

Being a risk avoider has its benefits, especially when a logic-dominant person like myself is faced with emotions. Stupid emotions. They don't make any sense and they fluctuate constantly without reason and yet, so many people (myself included on occasion) make life-changing decisions based solely on them. Stupid.

So anyway, I'm currently in the Pre-Potential Rejection phase. The risk: to-break or not-to-break the “we're just friends” code... the “I have a crush on a friend but I don't want to risk losing the friendship so I'm just not going to act on these so-called feelings and get over it.” Let the record show (again as I've said it before on this blog), that I have NEVER come close to liking a close friend. Ever. The reason why I say I'm Pre-Potential is because this strange attraction is so foreign, so weird and awkward that... the idea of me even being attracted to a buddy freaks the shit out of me and thus it's difficult for me to decipher if it's even a crush at all! Maybe it's nothing. Maybe I'm just feeling the effects of everyone around me hooking up and getting married and having kids and that this dude would be a good catch. I don't know...

At this point, I just want someone to tell me he likes someone else or that he will only ever see me as a platonic friend. Just say it... just tell me that's how it is. Save me the trouble of trying to get over whatever it is I'm feeling and just strip me of any hope for something more. I don't want it... I don't want false hope... I don't want to over-analyze small encounters... I don't want to risk the friendship and I don't want things to change.

Our friendship is so good... too good to take the risk and mess it up because of stupid feelings. I guess at the end of the day, I'm happier not knowing what it could've been...

cards

2011-01-02T00:17:00.004-05:00

I was a heartbeat away from throwing away every Christmas/Birthday/Valentine/Thank You/Christian/Friendship card I've ever received for the sake of removing clutter. But when I looked down at the poorly ripped envelopes, colourful edges and shimmery fonts, something made me stop. I picked up a random card and read it... it was probably the 3^rd time it was ever read.

1^st by the person who wrote it for me

2^nd by me once it was received

3^rd by me today.

Then THAT feeling came. You know, that feeling after you've secretly wronged someone and it's too late to fix it... that feeling after stuffing down a 2^nd helping of dessert even though you're no longer enjoying its taste... that feeling after breaking a promise after you said you wouldn't break it...

Guilt.

I felt guilty for neglecting these cards for so many years and feeling guilty for not feeling guilty about wanting them “out of sight” for another long extended period of time. As so, I sat down and picked up another card... then another... and then another... I re-read every single one. It took about 2 hours. Some of them dated back to the 90's while I was in elementary school!

Through the quirky inside jokes, the one-line generic messages, stick figures and gel pens, what hit me the most was how some of these people – at one point in my life – were one of my closest friends. And now they don't exist as contacts on my cell. Such a shame. There are many lost memories and significant people in my life who've helped shape me into this AMAZINGLY WONDEFUL AND SEXY GODESS... who I feel like I owe so much to... who would not have otherwise triggered a single recent thought had I not attempt to throw out the card they wrote me. Does this make me a heartless bitch? Maybe. But tell me, when's the last time you went through your cards, hum?

Along with the cards, there were hand-written letters, vandalised agendas, old love notes, handbooks, tickets, postcards, IOUs and home-made redeemable “coupons”, amongst other things... thus I would like to take this time to thank the following people:

Helen Lam – for writing me the most letters

Hazel Tenefrancia and Asako Ito – for giving me the most cards

Jonathan Robbins – for writing the funniest messages

Samantha King – for being my casual penpal for years

There's so much to write about when it comes to the past, but I'll stop here for now. 2011 is here and it's waiting for some attention.

Julie Cho's 2011 New Years Resolutions:

Cook more
Floss more regularly
Attend every prayer meeting so long as I'm in town
Learn to swim (preferably before May)

HAPPY NEW YEARS EVERYONE!! =D

a note to Mr. Perfect:

2010-05-10T22:44:00.004-04:00

I'm still lovin' this song!

Mr. Perfect, it would be great if these lyrics described how you felt about me all the time. =)

B.o.B - Nothin' On You

What can I say, I can be a little insecure sometimes with so many beautiful women roaming the streets and possibly hitting on you... 'cause you know - you're THAT amazing.

worst way to go

2010-05-07T00:37:00.000-04:00

Recently, it seems like a lot more people “closer” to me have been committing suicide. That's right, taking their own lives. Needless to say, I personally don't know these people, but they were/are friends of friends of mine. Even five-degrees of separation is already very uncomfortable for me.

Mind is blown into smithereens.

I can't fathom the intensity and volume of conscious/unconscious suicidal thoughts that filled someone's mind before deciding that killing themselves was the only solution. Was that the only way? There must've been SOMETHING or someone that could've done something to stop them?! ... right? Life is so precious and so amazing to experience... I don't understand...

How? Why? What went wrong? Who did this to you?

On the news a little while ago, there was a young psychiatrist in Hamilton who took her baby's life and her own life... a psychiatrist?!

A coworker told me her friend's dad committed suicide a couple weeks ago... a well-off, well-loved, near retirement man who over-dosed with anti-depressants and other drugs in his car one seemingly regular day.

My friend just told me today his childhood friend and current colleague jumped onto the tracks after his final med school exam... he was going to be a doctor... people who knew him would've ever guessed him to be suicidal.

... these stories break my heart so much... I wish there was something I can do... =(

my revenge

2010-04-22T21:31:00.003-04:00

You asshole.

Did you really think I would stay silent forever? Please. You don't know anything. You deserve to die and rot for the pain you've put me through... but that would be too kind... I want you to suffer and be ripped apart like I was.

I want you and generations after you to have everything loved stripped away – I want you tormented for the shit you did to me. You deserve it. No, YOU DESERVE MORE THAN THAT! YOU'RE KILLING ME!! DON'T YOU KNOW THAT?!

... but do you want to know what hurts me the most?

It's that you don't even care.

You don't care... not one little bit.

If I were mother nature, that's what I'd say to the urban human race.

"The sheer scale of what is now required [to save the planet] has never been attempted and the shortfall between scientific theory and political action remains huge. There is a lot wrong with our world. But it is not as bad as many people think. It is actually worse."
- Michael Meacher, Environment Minister, Newcastle University

Happy Earth Day, Everyone

just give it to me

2010-04-21T01:08:00.002-04:00

There is nothing better than honesty. It's a character trait which demands so much, yet gives back so little in comparison.

When it comes to telling the truth, it puts important things on the line... because half the time it gets welcomed by disgust, anger, hatred, pain and judgement. As that saying goes, “You can't handle the [ugly] truth!” People sacrifice relationships/friendships, careers, political gain, pride/ego/reputation, money, safety, etc... only for the sake of exposing the truth. Beautiful. A modern day martyr.

I guess we can sugar coat our statements... you know, make it softer on the ears... but usually that takes a lot of time and beating around the bush. As a stickler for efficiency; less words, more concise phrasing, appropriate timing is greatly appreciated. I'm learning to love, more and more, the world's blunt people.

Honesty, truth, genuineness, frankness, integrity...

In the words of Homer Simpson (taken out of context, of course), “...it's the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.”

cocky jerk.

2010-02-26T00:55:00.002-05:00

This entry is going to expose a lot of ugliness I've been trying to keep camouflaged as “friendliness.” It's common, yet unspoken of, as it's chained to judgement. Unfortunately, judgement is warranted here, since it's a pretty damn selfish thing to do/admit to. Think of this as my confession...

*deep breath* Here goes...

I lead guys on and drop them rather quickly (usually as I see fit). I know, what a bitch. Of course, I can't drop a guy who doesn't show interest towards me... so I pursue him a little. Yes, I love the chase too. One might ask whether I'm actually attracted to these guys? At the time – most of the time, but not all the time – I would say yes. The level of attraction grows and shrinks the more interaction there is between he and I. More often than not, it's a descending level of attraction. These guys would then enter into my Friend Zone.

No one gets out of the Friend Zone. Let the record show that I've never dated a good friend... not that it's slim pickin's in there, it's just not something that's happened.

The trend is that I have a one-month cut-off mark. That's the cut-off for the chase and the cut-off mark of when my initial attraction dies completely (i.e. it was nothing more than infatuation). If it goes longer than a month, but the relationship is not “going anywhere” in my eyes or circumstances just don't allow us to communicate often enough; I'd stop chasing suddenly, usually without warning and then the guy inadvertently proceeds into the Friend Zone. Even if the guy likes me back, I make sure “we” can't happen... mainly because I say to myself, “he doesn't know what's best for him, he's blinded by a petty crush. Therefore, to help him get over these emotions, I will cut him out of my life... because that's what I would want him to do for me should the roles be reversed.”

Why do I “toy” with people's feelings? I've narrowed it down to 4 reasons:

attention
boredom
fear of rejection
filling a void which I can't quite describe (Christians, don't tell me it's God. I know.)

In all fairness, at the time, it's not intentional. I'm not trying to hurt people. It's something I would pickup on after the fact... and quite frankly, it's probably been this way all my life because I never make a conscious effort to change. I'm a lazy cocky jerk. I'm a lazy cocky jerk that will eventually have her heart seriously broken and everyone – including herself – will say she deserved it.

I wait for that day in anticipation... (or maybe I should change my ways...)

(untitled)

2010-01-09T01:40:00.004-05:00

My first tears of 2010 fell today...

R.I.P. grandma.

I feel... for the first time in a while... very lonely... her passing has triggered a lot of forgotten emotions... because at this moment, it seems like there's no one I can turn to. No one to hug. No one to tell me it's okay. No one to to just be here.

Who was she? I didn't care to know her while she was with me... and now she's gone. and now I regret so much.

What timing.

A few hours from now, enough time will pass and I will be normal again. Please pray for my family. thanks...

naked man alert

2009-12-27T02:36:00.003-05:00

My sleeping patterns have not been so wonky since university days; sleeping at dusk, waking up after lunch, taking naps randomly throughout the day, getting up only to pee and then go back to bed. So now it's almost 3am and I get this exhilarating idea to write about 2009 while in the washroom... and here I am – on blogspot. (Btw, the washroom seems to be the vicinity with my highest volume of great epiphanies and life-changing convictions.)

After a little time of reflection, I'm reminded that I am a person with minimal memories. It would make sense if the doctor dropped me at birth seeing how there's a slight malfunction in my neocortex. I have one word for that doctor: lawsuit.

Nevertheless, I now have to look to other sources for what happened to me in this past year... so this pointless blog entry is basically saying: stay tuned for another post about Julie's perhaps-not-so-memorable 2009 year! ... hum... that's not a convincing way to bring back my readers...

Let's go the media route and do the whole “sex sells” thing by putting up a lovely picture and say in big bold letters:

In my next blog entry, THE SENSORS WILL BE REMOVED!! As I'm sure you're all curious to see this man's beautiful... eyes...

define "bad"

2009-12-14T23:32:00.005-05:00

In case you didn't hear – I had a bad day today... it stemmed also from a not-so-good night seeing how I stupidly broke my buddy's ear piece and I was feeling pretty stupid.

Basically, I was good up until 2:45pm. My colleague asked me to help him bring the decorations back from our company Christmas party back to the office. He got stuck doing some volunteering w/ the Care Committee as there were last minute cancels. Thus I agreed.

To make a long story short, after loading the company car from the banquet hall – literally 2 min on the road, I get pulled over for speeding. 81 in a 60. My first speeding ticket. I've only ever had 2 tickets in my life, this was number 2.

Anyway, we get back to the office and as I squat down slowly to put the fragile glass centrepieces on the ground, I rip my pants. Oh yes, the kind of rip that goes straight up the croch and out the back. Yes, make fun of me, I had a good laugh too.

Being the smart girl I am, I took my white cardigan and tied it around my waist. Just like we did back in the highschool days. What I didn't know was that I had cut my hand on something... and I end up getting blood all over it. Good news is that it wasn't cotton, so the blood stain came out well. Yay.

Seeing how the day was sucking, I decided to make myself feel better by putting up the Christmas tree at home. Prior to this day, I was pretty set on not putting it up at all. Anyway, I needed some Christmas songs to brighten the spirit... I got the dust off my old radio, flipped the power button and *silence*... my radio was broken. Got the laptop out, turned on the online radio and it was smooth sailing...

until I test out the Christmas lights... and half of the white ones didn't work. With what was left of these white lights, not half the tree could've been covered. What's a Christmas tree w/out lights? Just a Christmas tree w/out lights, but I was determined to get some glowing action. I pulled out the tacky colourful dollar-store-bought lights from decades ago and tested them... success! There were 5 strands of these colourful lights, just enough to make it look full.

For the past few years, our tree was this sleek, red and silver-themed work of art. The lights were all white and everything on it was from Ikea (therefore, it must be cheap and contemporary)... now with these tiny colourful it-will-burn-your-hand lights, the tree looks like it did back in my elementary school days...

I kinda like it. =)

Bliss not of ignorance

2009-11-25T00:40:00.004-05:00

On a scale of 1 to 10, I think I'm a 9... you know, in terms of happiness with life, that is.

More recently, I've been thinking about why that is. Sure, I can cop-out the Christian answer and say, “It's 'cause I know Jesus and He loves me... that's why I'm happy!” ... but really, there's gotta be more to it than that, right? Other Christians should be just as stoked about life too! Unfortunately, from what I've heard, that's not always the case. So what makes me different?

It's come to my attention that I have abnormally low expectations on people. Boyfriends, family members, mentors, teachers/profs, friends, small group... it doesn't phase me too much when things don't work out.

“Water under the bridge! Life moves on! Live & learn,” exclaims Julie!

Is this a good thing or a bad thing? ... I don't know.

PROS

The volume of disappointments have definitely decreased.
I'm not upset for extended periods of time.
Dwelling on things doesn't happen often.
When people exceed these expectations, I'm super happy! It's like a bonus!
There aren't too many people on my “bad side.”
I'm generally not easily offended.
Good sleep all the time.

CONS

The impression that I don't care is frequent.
People are often offended when they figure out how low my expectations are on them.
My memory is shot. (Because I don't dwell, I forget quickly – almost like cramming for an exam)
Problems repeat themselves recurrently since I don't remember it happened.

As I type these bullet points, I can't help but feel like this is a very selfish way to live... at the same time, I simply can't help it! Why get hopes up when so many people are just going to disappoint? What happened to commitment and integrity and just blatant honesty?! Humans – myself included – are simply not reliable these days. I'm so pessimistic when it comes to finding a reliable friend, I make me sick. If you have a truly reliable friend; hold onto 'em for dear life because he/she is an endangered specie! Man, how depressing this whole entry is... please someone, prove me wrong! Shut me up!

I guess this is why I'm happy being a Christian – God is the unchanging, unconditionally loving, always present, unfailing, genuinely caring Lord of Everything... and He proved it by giving us His Son Jesus. Thank you, YHWH.

sperm + egg

2009-11-11T00:58:00.004-05:00

About 10 hours ago, Theo Gah Bo Tang was born.

He is the offspring of the couple who were the first in my age group to get married and the first to have a child together. Alex and Elly – you guys still amaze me to this day. Congratulations!! =)

As much as I hate to admit this, Theo also makes me feel like I'm getting old. I'm starting to wonder how my eggs are gonna hold out and whether or not a few of them will ever be “hitched”. Am I ever going to have kids? Will he/she be healthy? Am I going to be a good mom?

You're probably thinking I'm too young to be thinking about these things... but I can't help but wonder what my future holds. We humans do fear the unknown. It gives me the shivers to think there is a chance that myself or my husband will be infertile. (I don't believe in jinxing, if you haven't noticed.) I mean, sure, it's not a first date kinda question... but would it be too harsh to say it may affect the longevity of the relationship?

I can just imagine the conversation now...

"BTW *insert name here*, I know we've only been on a few dates... but let's be honest, we don't want to be wasting each others' time if we're not “the One” for each other, right? So I need to know if your boys are workin'. You know, if things work out and we wanna have kids... you DO want to have kids right? How many? What gender(s)? Have you thought of names yet? Anyway, have you gotten this sorta thing checked out? No? What do you mean you're only ___ years old – that's old enough to get this checked! .......... Hey - wait a minute - where you going?! I'm not done!! I HAVE A FEW MORE QUESTIONS!!!" (End Scene)

Man, that's so not sexy.

I'll think about this later.

grandma

2009-10-03T00:37:00.004-04:00

At around 2:30pm today, my mom calls my cell at work and says,

Mom – Julie... you're not going anywhere tonight... are you? *sniffs

me – well, I was going to go to volleyball like I do every Friday night. Why? What's up?

Mom – your poa-poa is in the hospital... I want you to go visit her with me...

It's been a while since I felt my heart break like that... a literal sense of something gripping your chest to the point where breathing normally seems to be a little more difficult. My mom doesn't cry in public, so I know when she's sniffing, it's serious. My poa-poa is my grandma on mom's side. She and gong-gong (grandpa) pretty much raised my siblings and I from birth to the end of elementary school back in East York. I love my poa-poa... she says I'm her favourite. =)

Mom had mentioned to me yesterday briefly that poa-poa fell outside, but she assured me that said it wasn't serious. When I went to the hospital today, she seemed okay. My aunt was there and had been there overnight as requested by the patient. I could see in her blood-shot eyes that she was tired and had cried some time before we got to the hospital.

Apparently, my grandma went through a couple hours of an extreme headache that caused her to feel nauseated, made the room spin and the walls seemed to want to crash down onto her. According to my aunt, she was yelling things like it was going to be her last day alive, that the heavens will have to take her life and that she can't stand the suffering here. It was after this incident that she called my mom and thus, mom called me.

While we were there, poa-poa seemed to be doing well: semi-energetic and talkative. She laughed at my jokes and nodded in approval when I told her my work softball team were the champions, it made me happy. =) (I thought this was a funny pic of her - taken probably 7-8 years ago, but she looks the same)

As the 4 of us were talking, the topic of boyfriend came up (go figure). She knew someone from HK who just finished grad school in Toronto and she wanted me to meet him and blah blah blah. I couldn't be too sarcastic with her, so I basically made it come down to: Is he taller than me? Knowing he was from HK, I sorta knew the answer already. HA – dodged the bullet; he was shorter than I! Then they started talking about so-and-so's son that's single or that family friend that is looking for a daughter-in-law, or that guy who is quite handsome, etc etc.

I couldn't escape.

Eventually, I changed the topic... but really... sigh... must it always go back to Single Aging Julie needs a husband? =/

The drive home was quite pleasant. All my childhood memories came back... I remember the days when I was a fat kid who tortured bugs in the backyard all day, walked around Taylor Creek Park with the family, played with rocks and Ninja Turtle figurines... I remember when poa-poa would pick me up from school and everyday I would ask her to buy pizza from Diamond Pizza for me. She did twice of the millions of times I asked. It killed my bro and sis when she said I was such a good child and that they should be as nice as me. Suckers. Little did she know though...

Anyway, it was a good visit. She will be there for a few more days, I think.

For those who believe in God, please pray for her... for those who don't, please pray also as I think God will hear you too. =) Thanks

Goodbye Mr. Perfect

2009-09-29T17:03:00.001-04:00

Back to anti-relationship mode.

... what was I thinking?! o_O

Hello Mr. Perfect

2009-09-27T22:33:00.004-04:00

Today, a friend (who's name I won't disclose as I didn't get their permission to “expose” them on a public domain) and I had an in depth conversation about relationships, desired traits of our signification others and non-negotiable attributes... amongst other things... and I realized something just an hour ago: as much as I say I'm not looking to be in a relationship, I am looking! This is the point where my best friend would respond in an outlandish way, “JULES - NOOOOOO!!!”

Maybe it was the baby shower; maybe it was the quiet reflective drive back home; maybe it was the sappy songs I played over and over again on my cell; or maybe the fact that all my peers are dating/engaged/married... or maybe I just finally stopped lying to myself: I think I want to be in a relationship? Indeed, my realization is in question form. Who knows, I may switch back to anti-relationship-mode tomorrow... you know how it is with us insecure-about-relationship-types. One day we're skimming our facebook for single/not-so-bad-looking guy friends which of whom you mysteriously want to contact after months (or in some cases; years) of silence – the next day we're gagging at every couple we see holding hands and rolling-eyes at any person who says they have a friend who they think you may be interested in...

Seriously though, who am I trying to kid? Everyone woman wants someone to want them. Sure, that doesn't necessarily mean you need to be in a relationship to fulfil that “want”, but it does provide HUGE peace of mind that someone out there actually does want us... and he'll tell you that through his words and actions everyday. Doesn't that just melt your heart? Isn't that just beautiful? .... Man, I'm turning into such a sap! Someone please slap me!

Perhaps it will do me/us good if I listed out all the reasons why I shouldn't/can't be in a relationship now... get my head straight:

My schedule is packed 6-days/a wk and a month in advance... day and night... and I'm unwilling to change any of the commitments I already made to “fit” the BF in. It's almost selfish of me to ask him to conform to my agenda just so we can see each other!
I have extremely low expectations on people. It's good and bad, I guess. Good because it wouldn't phase me much if he suddenly cancelled our date, showed up late, didn't call one night, forgot my birthday, or forgot our anniversary, etc. Bad because ... well, it doesn't seem like I care? I think I do care, but I just don't know how to express it well? I'm still figuring this out.
Picky Julie. The man needs to be perfect or darn near close to it for me to give even a second glace or the time of day for small talk.
It's difficult for me to see what's driving this sensation of wanting to be hitched. Is it society? Is it natural human desire? Is it mom, friends, celebrities, media influencing me? Understanding why I am the way I am is important to me so when I don't know what's going on upstairs, I usual refrain from executing those feelings. I don't understand emotions. o_O
I was just kidding about #3. Perfection doesn't exist... gotta be realistic. We need obviously need to mould them into the person we want them to be. Haha (j/k again!)
My so-called “celebrity crushes” are either out of my league or – due to external factors – are untouchable. Can't be wondering around forbidden territory, right? Most of the good ones are already taken or are in the minds/hearts of another friend... and according to The Relationship Code of Conduct: Thou shall not tap he who is crushed-on by your fellow sister (without her permission and blessings).

I'll stop there. Anything else I list will be a bi-product of my strange perception of what dating/courting ought to be.

Just for kicks, I'm going to list my non-negotiable traits my man must have (if you believe you have more than 95% of these characteristics, please drop me a line... or eat a slice of humble pie!! haha j/k):

100% biologically male
Christian & cares about his spiritual well-being
Great sense of humour
Good conversationist (therefore, also a good listener)
Confident
Honest to the bone: no white lies, no sugar coating, clear sarcasm/over-exaggerations/jokes... e.g. if you're having a bad day, and I ask how you're doing, and you say “fine.” To me, that's a lie. If you don't want to talk about it, just say so! =)
Outgoing and sociable. Sorry, I can't babysit you at a party.
Cares about the greater good (nothing's hotter than seeing a guy enthusiastically volunteering somewhere)
Same maturity level as me
Not lazy
Family oriented and respects their elders
Talks out their problems when it happens (i.e. Not bottling things up and then exploding with a million small things that put you over the top) and knowing when an issue just needs to be slept on and talked out the next day when emotions calm down.
Stoked about life! No one wants a debbie-downer-party-pooper who just wants to vent and complain all day long about whatever. Suck it up, let it go, and enjoy the things you do have! Life is GOOD! =)
and of course, absolutely gorgeous

Okay Mr. Perfect – come to Julie! =)

Side note: I lost my silver belt today. If you see it, please let me know. o_O It should be around ETCBC somewhere... =(

Summer Conference - Day 1: all smiles

2009-08-27T23:16:00.003-04:00

Finally have time to document my summer conference experience! Eons from now, when we’re all wearing silver attire, I’ll look back at this glorious weekend. =)

DAY 1: PRE SUMMER CONFERENCE (Fri., July 31, 2009)

@ approx 7:45am (in Cantonese, on the bus)
Mom – Julie-ah, why don’t you invite me to your events?
Julie – what’re you talkin’ about?
Mom – you’re leaving this weekend and you didn’t invite me...
Julie – O_O” oh, I didn’t know you wanted to go... You know it’s a church-thing, right?
Mom – yeah, I’ll go, have some fun... but I need to come home Sunday afternoon because I have a party to go to that night.
Julie – we’re leaving tmw, let me see what I can do about the ride and accommodations for you... just to confirm, you’re not kidding around, right?! You seriously wanna come???
Mom – let me get back to you... call me at 1pm...

@ approx 9:10am (just booted up my comp @ work)
I emailed...
- Dawn (conf admin) to ask about the registration, cost and room situation
- Albert (my ride) to give her a ride to the conference
- Ronald (the only person coming back on Sunday) to give her a ride back to T.O
- Level 2 (small grp) for massive prayers
- Joanne and Cavina (mentor & mentee) for massive prayers

@ approx 11:00am (still have yet to do any work...)
After slowing down our network w/ all my emails bouncing everywhere, I discovered many things. Amazing things. For example:
1. Yes, we can accommodate her for the conf @ a lower cost since she’s only there for 2 days
2. The only room available was the room attached to mine because that person (Leanne) couldn’t make it to the conf until Sunday
3. Ronald & wife (whose name escapes me), not only can give her a ride back, but they’re also a part of the Conto congregation, thus they can have potentially great conversation in the car!
4. Albert moved around his ride situation to accommodate my mom

@ approx 1pm (I called the mom...)
Julie – Wai? It’s Julie... so have you decided whether or not you’re going to come? You have a room next to mine, a ride there and back on Sunday, and everything is good to go.
Mom – okay, I’ll come.
Julie – REALLY?! Don’t be playin’ me, woman. You’re seriously coming??
Mom – YES!
Julie – ^__^ YYAAAAYYYY!! Okay, we’ll pack tonight – it’s only 1 night! YAY - I’m so happy!
Mom – okay, now go back to work. You’re going to get me in trouble. Bye!
Julie – YYYAAAAAYYY!!! BYE!! =)

----------------------------------------------------------------

As you can see, this was a pretty happy day for me. Everything fit perfectly like O.J’s glove. During the conference was something else... especially since I sat in with the Canto congregation all 3 days. It was wonderful! A lot of insights; a lot of learning; a lot of fun... to say the least. I’d like to think that I’ve changed. Day2 blog to come.

In honour of this momentous day, I made-up a (not very good) riddle while sitting on the crapper:

What is something that, when there is more of it, becomes less of what it is? In other words: the nature of it changes – almost depreciates - when it’s more plentiful...
.
.
.
.
Answer: A coincident.

nothing wise

2009-07-30T01:07:00.003-04:00

It’s about 1am... I’m extremely tired from vball practice and a little delirious, so what better time to vent than now?

I’m sick of relationships.

The kind that other people have with another person and they stick the word “significant” in front so everyone else can be the lesser-kinda “other”. I’ve rolled my eyes enough recently to strain a brain muscle. Maybe that’s why I’m all bitter? ... no, maybe not bitter, just aggravated.

Have you ever had someone tell you stuff like:
- that sports will make you a manly, thus no man will want you
- spend more time at home or else you’ll lose the value of having a family, which is what every wise woman must aspire towards
- don’t build a 2nd level to the deck outside because the kids will fall?
- drink this, eat that, do this so you can be beautiful and desired
- don’t focus so much on more schooling because women don’t have to be so smart
- why don’t you date, Julie – are you a lesbian?
- why isn’t anyone going after you – what’s wrong with your male friends
- lower your standards before you get too old to have kids
- you’re too tall, stop wearing non-flat shoes, how are you going to find a Chinese husband if you’re so much taller than him
- all my friends sons and daughters are settling down, why are you embarrassing me... etc... etc...

I basically hear variations of this stuff EVERYDAY. Worst of all, THIS HAPPENS ON THE TTC... during rush hour... usually packed with ppl WHO UNDERSTAND WHAT THE HECK MY MOM IS SAYING. GAHHHH!!!

SERENITY NOW!! SERENITY NOW!!!!

How do you expect me to focus on anything else when the most important person in my life is smearing my face with all this you-should-get-married-and-have-kids-because-it’s-the-meaning-of-life stuff everyday to the point where taking a breath is like choking on fish bones because any rebuttal would jab my insides more as she’ll make me eat my words with her if-you-love-me-then-you’ll-do-as-I-say-without-question-like-how-any-normal-woman-who-respect-their-parents-would-do garbage until all I can muster up are stupid hyphenated run-on sentences that drag my eyelids down to meet their less hairier counterpart call the-bottom-of-my-eye.

I’m going to bed. This sucks. >_<

severe indulgencies

2008-06-03T23:06:00.004-04:00

For the first time in years, I re-read my own blog.
80% - forgotten about
60% - caused me to say, “I wrote that?!”
30% - wished still resonated w/ me now…

I thought about making this new entry a deeply philosophical and profound life lesson on the new and wonderful events that happened in the day and life of Julie Cho… but then I realized how little has changed.

Anyway, being the optimist I am, I did think a lot about how the world is going to end. The destruction of the world is going to be caused by 2 very preventable and subtle sources: inconvenience and discomfort. Allow me to explain…

Inconvenience “forces” us to:

Drive to places that are sometimes walking distances
Not car pool
Shop at ‘mega stores’, despite the economic hardship mega stores inflict on local small businesses
Consume fast food
Demand small individually packaged items
Leave the lights on w/ no one in the room
Buy imported groceries w/out consideration as to how much fuel was used to get it here
Not fix leaking faucets, poorly insulated windows/frames, etc.
Use a lot of ‘disposable’ things

Discomfort “forces” us to:

Leave the water running while lathering in the shower to stay warm
Sit in the TTC “Priority Seating” area with our eyes shut
Turn the heat or air conditioner higher during peak days/hours
Idle the car more
Use more Styrofoam (Styrofoam is the cheapest “disposable” calorimeter)
Require the use of plastic bags in grocery stores
Continue smoking knowing the harm it causes

…these are among many other habits and subconscious defiances against our Earth we silly North Americans love to do. But alas, like my other theories, I could be utterly mistaken… after all; I am under the impression that global warming will quietly kill us all.

Oh, and what gets me even more is that here we are bending over backwards to make ourselves feel better about whatever the media/profit-driven society deems important (i.e. beauty, money, power, etc.)… In the long-run, what does it do? None of it is permanent and we’ll always want more. And then the feeling of simply having enough… fades away…

when it ends in 8

2008-01-08T22:13:00.000-05:00

it's been almost a year since the last post. not much has been goin' on...
i'm a little greener, a little more girly, a little less flirty, and a little more responsible w/ money... considering OSAP is taking $1k/month for the next 2 years.

how have you changed? by 'you' i mean the world...
- it's bloody 15 degrees above zero in mid january... people, the world is melting, let's do something about it!! O_O
- there's already been 3 dead pedestrians who were hit by cars since the year started
- more than 5 fatal veh accidents due to drunk drivers
- more privatized healthcare in Canada (boo! go home privatized garbage!)
- homemade bombs going off all over the world
- Bush is still an idiot
- we have Family Day as a stat holiday
- the rich grows richer and the poor grow poorer... i guess that didn't change.

2007 was the year of changes - for me at least.
wonder how you and i will be when it ends in 8. hit me.

update

2007-04-27T13:29:00.000-04:00

I just thought it'd be nice to update everyone on my life:

I'm done my post-secondary education FOREVER (until I do my Masters)
I will be unemployed as of May 1, 2007
For the first time since grade 6, I'm single & not looking
Going to hit up AIA (May 5-10) for some spiritual, mental and physical training
Going on my first real vacation to Europe (May 13-June 1)
Sister and Leanne (housemate) moved out
Mother and I have a good thing going
Men's group has been/will be going through some changes... we'll see how that goes
Planning to play for Flying Tigers vball team this summer and we'll be going to San Fran for our final tournament (first week of Sept)
I no longer have a gym membership
I'm playing the piano 5 times the amount I used to play
Looking forward to beach vball action every Saturday morning in the summer
I have an urge to volunteer for Habitat for Humanity consistently within Toronto
I like dragon fruit
Facebook takes up a lot of my time... that'll change soon (hopefully)

So that's the big update on the Choanator. I'm not sure whether or not I'll be blogging on a regular basis, so until next time - have a good one!

BAG-O-POCKY

2006-07-27T00:58:00.000-04:00

wow, it really has been ages since I last posted... but in any case, I will continue the story of Ling (for those of you who don't know; she's my mom) later - that is a promise. As for now, I feel inclined to list all the Pocky flavours I've tried and have boxes of (I had to take them down and I realized how long it has been since I've tried a new flavour).

Normal Pocky
- chocolate (new & old style boxes)
- black sesame
- soybean
- strawberry cream coated
- cheese cake
- men's chocolate
- coconut milk chocolate

Pocky Mousse
- chocolate
- cream coated
- green tea cream coated
- green flowery box kind (green tea again?)
- purple flowery box kind (??)
- custard fondu

Specialty Pocky
- winter pocky ("made of only the finest chocolate")
- almond crush, chocolate coated
- Pocky G
- Pocky G - berry
- 'Decorer' chocolate/strawberry
- 'Decorer' chocolate/banana

Little-Sized Boxes Pocky
- almond
- caramel
- yogurt

If anyone comes across some funky new flavours that aren't listed here, please buy it and I'll pay you back! ^__^
... you know, this is kinda sad... =P *ha ha* ~shrug~

this is my Ling, this is her story...

2006-05-11T14:15:00.000-04:00

Joe stepped slowly towards the small field of delicate bushes where a large gathering of Chinese women plucked off tealeaves into their baskets. He squinted against the sun to look for the woman he traveled miles to see – the one he has yet to meet. His vision narrowed towards one of the younger women who gave quick glances into his direction.

“Is she the one?” he thought, as he walked towards her.

His shoulder-length hair, tight orange shirt and brown bellbottoms didn’t match the plain traditional Chinese villager outfits that were the popular choice on this side of the world. Although viewed as stylish in Canada, awkward looks from people at the airport and on his way to the country side told him fashion is outweighed by function here.

“What a funny-looking man,” Ling thought as she subtly watched the foreigner make his way towards her. Her braided hair gently wrapped around her neck as she quickly and carefully pulled off the small leaves. Long braids were typical on women who worked in the fields because if someone was bitten by the lethal tree snake, the long braids were quickly cut off and tied around the limb to stop the poison from circulating.

The calluses on her palms showed many years of hard labour despite her young age. At age 6 she was forced to baby-sit her brother all day, even while attending school. When he cried, made noise, or needed to be fed, she had to leave the class. Three years later, when her brother was old enough to start school on his own, her baby-sitting years continued with a new baby sister to take care of. Despite her lack of attendance in class, by the end of junior high, Ling was one of 14 students in a group of over 60 who qualified to go to high school in the city. Her hard work and late nights catching up with the rest of the class had finally paid off. Finally, she could have a proper education like her older sister... or so she thought.

Ling was the second daughter of the Gan family and therefore, predetermined to be unloved because of China’s demand for sons; especially since the first child was a girl, the hope for a son amplified for the second child. As a result, from birth, Ling had been pushed into the laborious role of a male without the love and respect that came with it. Hence, when the time came, her acceptance letter and her dream of having proper schooling were torn up by her mother, who already signed Ling up to raise an ox for their neighbour. This was a typical job for young teens that lived in poor families. The long, uneventful hours of tending to the beast gave families enough money to provide one more meal with meat per month.

After 2 time-consuming years of ox-watching, the 14-year-old went off to another village to churn tofu for another 2 years. The daily consumption of soy bean products made her skin radiant and smooth. When she returned home, she had developed into a beautiful and slim young lady. For the next few years, she worked part-time as an assistant to the town doctor and also began to work on the field gathering tealeaves.

Along with her attractiveness, everyone in her community knew she was hardworking and an obedient daughter; the characteristics of a good wife. So, when Ling’s grandfather was approached by an old family friend with news that his friend’s cousin was looking for a wife in China, Ling’s name sprung to mind.

To be continued...

oh brother...

2006-04-20T23:09:00.000-04:00

You're going to have to excuse that last post; it was the work of my brother. I would delete it, but I think it's kinda funny and it allowed me to put a cheesy play-on-words title.

Anyway, my brother has way too much time on his hands. And I can’t believe you would “woot woot” that, Darren!! GAAHHHH! O_O

Hey Suckers!

2006-04-19T19:57:00.000-04:00

I am a loser :) give me a *woot woot*!

OOTO

2006-04-08T03:58:00.000-04:00

As you may or may not know, OOTO stands for: Out Of The Ordinary... yes, I made it up. So here are some interesting things that happened today (besides completing the dumbest exam ever):

On my way to school, I saw a little note posted on the wall of the bus shelter at Victoria Park and Finch. It read,“FOUND! A set of keys from Victoria Park and Sheppard. Call _____.” Isn’t that amazing? Someone would go so far out of their way to put a little message for a complete stranger that lost their keys. I think it was so sweet I just had to write about it here.

On my way home, waiting at another stop, there was a brown lady who was singing in her language. It sounded pretty accurate and similar to the limited amount of traditional brown people music I’ve heard. It was beautiful. And I don’t use the term “brown” as a discriminatory-racial remark, I do it because I can’t tell a difference between Persian, Pakistani, Indian, Sri Lan’kan, Tamil or any other people with darker skin tones. Heck, I can’t even tell a difference between yellow-skinned people.

And lastly, at Tim Horton’s, there was a lady entertaining a little baby by making sounds... it was really funny and even more distracting than anything I’ve experienced at a coffee shop. She made sounds like a fast-forwarding taped-recorded conversation, an inverted bomb sound (so instead of the bomb falling, it was going back up), mini quick farting noises, and high-pitched “la la la”-ing... this is on top of the typical baby-language sounds and the I’m-tackling-a-baby sounds (i.e. “ahh-goo-chee-goo-chee-gooooo”).

OH!! And I finally won in roll-up-the-rim! 1 of 9 chances my butt... more like 1 of 27 chances. Anyway, yeah - FREE COFFEE! WOO! ^__^

jab

2006-04-07T00:05:00.000-04:00

Moving away from the highly-intensified devastating "e" word of post-secondary education; I would like to bring your attention to something out of the ordinary:

Today, I saw an old man running with a spear in his hands.

That is all.

and so it begins...

2006-04-06T01:58:00.000-04:00

My 4 exams in a row begin today (Thursday)... all are 7pm-10pm...

please bring my ulcerized carcass to my mom when all it's done.
thanks.

Habits & Routines

2006-03-30T03:22:00.000-05:00

I think they’re relatively normal.

I...

brush my teeth before I eat breakfast (I think it’s weird doing it after you eat because it’s like you’re eating your morning breath)
put on my coat and outer garments (except gloves) before breakfast if I need to leave right after
always check my 4 email accounts, friendster, steepandcheap and msn before I go to bed
always put the tokens I will use for the day in my right pant pocket
procrastinate until I can feel the pressure (which usually happens the day before whatever is due or the exam date)
apply Vaseline on my lips every night before bed
put the left sock on first
need to hug something while I sleep otherwise I’ll wake up (I currently hug a stuffed Kogepan [my fav Japanese cartoon character] pillow that has been renamed to Togapoo)
check my teeth in the mirror almost every time I’m in front of a mirror
like to compress my left earlobe when I’m sitting around and bored
pull off the dry/loose skin pieces around my fingernails out of boredom also
eat a lot of fruit (usually ½ to a whole orange, handful of grapes, and an apple) between the hours of 10pm and 1:20am every night
weigh myself almost every other morning
talk to Brian on the phone everyday after midnight

-----------------------------------
Some side notes:
I had my first final today (25%); 3 hours of straight fast writing! I filled 3 booklets and I still didn't have enough time to put the amount of detail requested. Next week Thursday is when the other 4 begin... and I still have a quiz and a final report to do for Monday! York is stupid.

This Friday will be Brian and I's first time going to a club together! It's his year-end party w/ his class so it's not like he chose to go there... but it should be interesting anyway. Our first "Dinner and a Dance"

I've been having some weird, uncomfortable feelings in my upper right gums like they've become sensitive... they bleed sometimes too... I should get that checked out. o_O

more misfortunes

2006-03-24T02:01:00.000-05:00

It looks like I’m back in blogging mode... must be from all that losing in Roll Up the Rim to Win. Stupid “1 in 9 chances”... LIES! I buy from 3-8 cups of something from Tim Horton’s a week and I haven’t won once. Last time they had this promo, I won a doughnut, but it expired before I could even use it. ~shaking fists~

I’m done exams on April 9th. Some would consider that a boon; I say it’s just a boo.
Exam schedule: Mar 29, Apr 6,7,8,9. OMG!! My last assignment due is on Mar 27 then I go straight into exam time! THAT SUCKS BUTTHOLES! >_<

I’m piling up and not following through with my responsibilities at church... and ironically enough, here I am using this time to blog... o_O

~dashes away to get Blue Like Jazz book~

TTC "Fun"

2006-03-23T00:06:00.000-05:00

I complain a lot about the things that happen to me on the bus, but here’s another episode of Julie’s TTC “Fun”.

I was sitting in the back, next to the rear doors with the little wall-divider on my right. The seat next to me was free and then the next one was occupied by an older Chinese lady. Anyway, then the Persian man came. (I will now refer to this man as Weenis)

So Weenis and his friend come on the bus. Weenis sat next to me and the other across from him. I’m only going to talk about Weenis because his friend seemed to do a good job with unwritten TTC etiquette.

Weenis had relatively thick shoulders, clearly wider than the width of the seat with his coat on anyway. He literally wedged himself between the woman and I… like fitting the square shape into the triangle hole. Not only that, he had to sit all the way back in his chair with his chest practically sticking out and his shoulders back.

Then, to top it off, he sat with his legs open; plainly breaking the invisible plane that partitions each seat. My natural reaction was to cross my legs. And when I did, he opened his legs even more! >=o( ... ugh... freakin' Weenis.

Lost: Grey Prison’d Housewife Models... will be found by CSI

2006-03-15T04:24:00.000-05:00

I know many people already know this about me, but I don’t watch TV. I’d say the only times I look at the TV is when I’m with other people who “need” to watch something or I happen to enter a room where the television is already on.

In the past month or so, there has been a lot of hype about a bunch of shows I know nothing about. The title of this blog is just some of the key words people tossed around while conversing about hypothetical characters/plots of a show (speaking as if these people are real). I find that quite amusing. It’s kind of like how some girls fall in love with a character from a movie... thinking he’ll really die for his woman in reality. PSHH. Actors/actresses are rolling in dough because they can cause people to feel that way... you would’ve never thought buddy from Gladiator would beat a busboy over the head with the hotel phone (I heard this type of violent behaviour from him is common).

OH, and not to mention how viewers of reality TV shows think they know the participants inside-and-out just because they happen to watch a fraction of their life.

“I can’t believe so-and-so is such an ass! He should be shot and kicked around!”

Okay, no one really said that to me, but you get the point. People act differently when they’re in front of cameras! And a lot of things get edited out so we never know the full/real story.

Sports. I must admit, that’s fun to watch... but some people take it way to seriously. This one time at Kelsey’s, these guys in the booth next to my friends and I were so danged loud about a basketball game, that I/we would’ve smacked them upside the head if I/we were bigger, stronger, faster, and more populated than they. And this was in the middle of the day! Not saying that type of behaviour is okay at night, but in the day, people usually don’t drink themselves stupid. (FYI: When I say they were loud, I mean they didn’t simply cheer when we get a goal, but they yell stupidness throughout the game, talk/swear/laugh deafeningly, and occasionally bang on the table.)

There really is no finalizing point to all this. Just remember, back in the day, teachers called television “The Stupid Box” and if you watched too much of it, you’ll become stupid... but then again who listened to the teacher anyway? Like, no one really thought about what they did wrong when sent to the corner, nor mean it when asked to apologize to another kid and mean it...

for richard and albert

2006-03-02T20:48:00.000-05:00

you guys check my blog almost every morning
but you see the same thing, isn't it boring?
my lack of updates isn't rewarding
but this poem's for you - without any warning!!

i wrote these blogs, knowing you guys would read it
leaving your comments and showing your wit,
reaching your hand out and grabbing my ... ARMPIT
*heh* reading these lyrics that don't flow a bit.

... that's all i got thus far. thanks for stickin' around. ^__^

blog culture

2006-03-01T02:31:00.000-05:00

looks like people (myself included) aren't into blogging as much as we used to be...

no control

2006-02-16T22:49:00.000-05:00

Through my hands, my life was shapeable
By my sweat, my works were amendable
With my fists and my strength defensible,
I believed in myself; in myself, I was dependable

I needed no favors, had no dues to repay
But from under my feet, it was all taken away.
Without a warning, no sign or delay
The colours of my dreams were blemished with grey…

I worked so hard, every ounce of my ability
Pushing to be the best, making my targets a reality
But how maddening it is, this possession-fertility
When it’s all been stolen by some unknown deity!

Out of my control
Regardless of my patrol
Swept from my payroll
Ending my calm stroll

I was striving to stand, when my legs were numb
Shivering with agony, release please come!
Until you have nothing left, can you only fathom
Tasting the dirt, the pain of hitting rock bottom

I have nowhere to look, but to face upward
Expecting a miracle or something absurd
I was more than staggered, when it actually occurred
A supernatural moment left me pleasantly disturbed

----------------------------

This is part one of the story I want to tell... not sure if part 2 will come about anytime soon, but I'm sure you folks already know what will happen next. =) Jesus saves the day! Everything was inspired by this passage I read during devo a few days ago:

“He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your fathers had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread along but on every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD.” - Deuteronomy 8:4

a little "fact"

2006-02-08T22:35:00.000-05:00

Today I was told that we have Reading Week because the suicide rate for students in post-secondary education was the highest during this time... I don't know how reliable my source is. =oP

my pearly wood

2006-02-05T00:05:00.000-05:00

I went to the dentist for the first time in 8 years yesterday. I had no idea getting your teeth cleaned was so painful... vibrating all the life-accumulated tartar off like you're sanding down wood, followed by forceful scrapping and double-checking, and finishing off w/ some polish. (It tasted like toothpaste. ^__^)

There was lot of blood. When I did the routine mouth-rinse, there were occasionally little blood chunks. Is that normal?? Are they chunks of my gums?! o_O

They discovered I have 2 small cavities in both my upper-back molars. ROYAL DANG. Now I have to go back next Friday to get them out. I hope it’s covered. *heh* Thank goodness I didn’t have anything more crazy like them root canals. Just the sound of it makes it seem like something of a horror movie. “I’m going to twist root canals into each of your teeth until I feel them penetrate your jaw bone.” My sister had one and she paid over a grand to get it fixed. Yikes.

Oh and they took X-rays of my teeth! I didn’t know technology was this advanced that they could take an X-ray image and show me it by the end of an appointment... I feel so out of it. =oP

Next week is my very necessary optometrist appointment. Haven’t gone to one of them since I got my first glasses (7 years ago), which are the ones I’m wearing now, which are also the ones wear and need to squint to see certain things. We’ll see how that goes... maybe they’ll discover I have a root canal.

bloody shoes

2006-01-18T00:10:00.000-05:00

I didn't cut my toe nails for a while and therefore, one of them broke during my vball game today. It didn't hurt. In fact, I didn't even know about it until I took off my shoes. Bloody socks, bloody shoes, bloody toe. It wasn't as bad as it looked... o_O

Anyway, here are some tips for washing out blood:
- rinse off the bloody item (which I will now refer to as "BI") ASAP
- if possible, let the BI sit in water for a few minutes
- only use cold water; hot water will set the stain!
- rub the BI's fabric with itself for fast removal
- handwashing works better than machine washing

So let this be a lesson for you all; cut your toe nails regularly. *ha ha*

future

2006-01-09T21:30:00.000-05:00

Some people have asked me what I plan to do after I graduate my Health/Healthcare Management program in York. Ideally, I plan to go directly into U of T’s Health Services Organization and Management graduate program for my Masters in Science.

To get in, I need at least a B+ standing in the last two years of study, two confidential letters of reference, and a statement of interest in health services research and a description of the specific areas of research I would like to pursue.

It doesn’t seem too difficult to do... but I could be terribly wrong. o_O

If I can’t get in, then I’ll try to get a job; something low on the hierarchy to get my foot in the door. Eventually, I plan to do my Masters as a part-time student while I work.

I’m confident that this is what God wants me to do... if I turn out to be wrong, than I’m sure He’ll close some doors of opportunity.

------------------------------

RANDOM:

Last week I tried a new flavour of Pocky! Black sesame. There’s this new chocolate powdered one I plan to get soon. YAY!

I’m itching to go snowboarding. Keith, Will and I plan to go to Horseshoe this Sunday after service if the weather is good. Anyone else want in? $29+tax for 8-hrs lift tickets from Costco!

Finalized new years resolution is to get abs.

Don’t know what to do for the summer... -_-“ Softball? No softball? If yes softball, than where? Plan to go on missions, but where? ~sigh~ so much to pray about...

Where’s the missing pot?!

Christians vs Christians

2006-01-05T15:44:00.000-05:00

It’s ironic that hypocrites are usually the ones who dislike hypocrites.

Allow me to explain. I have a theory that states that only those to claim there is an absolute right and wrong can be hypocrites. With absolutes, there is no room for in-between judgments that say a certain action is okay sometimes and not others. In the case of sin, it’s never okay; sin is sin no matter in what context. And who are the ones who preach about sin and what’s right and wrong? Christians.

The whole notion of not “practicing what you preach” and hypocrisy is something, I feel, only Christians (along w/ other beliefs that hold absolute divinity) can do. We say what’s “wrong” is always wrong, while everyone else usually feels there are exceptions thus what’s “wrong” doesn’t always mean it’s wrong in explicit situations.

For example, stealing:

Christians – stealing is a sin; God wouldn’t put you in a situation where your only choice was to steal. Therefore stealing is always wrong.

Non-Christians – stealing is morally wrong, but it’s different if someone is stealing bread for their starving family. Therefore stealing is usually wrong.

What gets me the most is when Christians call other Christians hypocrites. I will be the first to admit that I did it and am in the midst of changing. But really, who are we to say “so-and-so is a hypocrite, how can they call themselves Christians?”

“He who is without sin among you, let him throw a stone at her first.” - John 8:7.

Are you really that arrogant to say you’ve never sinned or went against your word?

We preach:
"Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." - Colossians 3:13
-> but we still hold grudges and cannot forgive

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.” - Philippians 2:3
-> but we’re still selfish and arrogant

I had originally planned to keep going with this, but the more I look up and refute... the lower I feel. I’m sure you get the point. Looks like the only true representation of Christianity is Jesus... now if every non-believer could look past the Christians and see God in all His glory, I bet there would be a much bigger Christian population.

power of fun

2005-12-24T19:30:00.000-05:00

I'm having too much fun to blog... too much fun to focus... too much fun to want to slow down and appreciate whatever it is I'm enjoying so much

getting worried.

btw, MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Tremblant moments:

2005-12-20T00:18:00.000-05:00

Amazing weather & snow conditions
Dennis is an official member of the Century Club
Successful and unsuccessful attempts of jumping off snow humps
Passing the Jumping Title Belt b/w me and Ming
Doing 180’s!
2-on-1 wrestling... should’ve been 1-on-1 >=o(
Juicy, olive oil/salt/pepper steak & potato dinner
Accomplishing my first major bluff in poker
Tobogganing down with snowboards
Hiking up the road to the chalet -_-"
Interesting conversations during the car-rides
Taking naps everywhere we go
Stupid strike

And all the small things...ah, good times

^__^

realizations + crazy

2005-12-09T11:45:00.000-05:00

My back is covered with knots, my legs are moisturized, my oblique(s) is/are sore, and my back is wet, and now I’m going to be disgustingly honest...

I started off pretty bitter because I was asked to shovel my driveway (the only one of my siblings, mind you). So as I was doing it, the rest of my family left for various reasons. Then it hit me; I should be grateful to have a driveway. After that, I was pretty happy – singing Christmas carols pretty loudly and saying hi to all my neighbours who walked past me.

And then, another realization occurred. I should be thankful for my neighbours too! So when I was done my driveway; I happily shoveled my neighbours’ driveways on either side of my house. This accounts for the knots and muscle pains.

To celebrate this momentous day, I decided to leave my mark by lying around leaving my body print all over the place (if you go past my house, you’ll know what I’m talking about). So lying there, waiting for my pants to soak through with melted snow, I watched the clouds pass... haven’t done that in a while. It was nice... people probably thought I was nuts, but oh well.

Snow sticks to cotton well. I had cotton pants on. When I finally came in the house, I brought so much snow in, my mom will think I carried armfuls of snow inside... o_O. I couldn't just walk around w/ super snow-covered pants so I took ‘em off by the front doors.

So I was prancing around the house in my underwear when I realized something else.
I haven’t been playing any sports --> no need to wear shorts --> no need to take care of legs. Therefore you can imagine the 2 things that happened:
1. they’ve become hairy.
2. they’ve become dry.
As you can see from the first line of this blog, I only solved one of these 2 problems... *ha ha* Oh yeah, who’s hot now? =oP

Why is my back wet? Because I was sweating. Period. Speaking of which, I’m going to shower now. Maybe I’ll shave... but I guess that’ll be another blog entry... BYE!

new years resolution?

2005-12-08T01:56:00.000-05:00

So far, I have yet to successfully accomplish a new year’s resolution. Let’s recap on some of these failures I’ve made in the past (I can’t remember which years these were from or even if they were just goals I set for myself every so often):

Not to say, “You wanna fight about it?!” to anyone
Weigh less than ___ (this number increases as the years pass)
No swearing. By swearing I mean words Jerry Springer censors on daytime TV
Not buy clothing for myself
Do devotionals at least once a day
No watching more than 1 hour of TV a day <-- this one I actually did, but over a span of a few years

That’s about all I can remember. For this coming year, my potential new year’s resolutions are:

No deep fried food
No coffee
Make someone laugh at least once a day
Learn how to play a new musical instrument (well)
Relearn piano chords/scales
No sleeping in class

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That’s all I got so far. Feel free to tell me any more suggestions. I didn’t include anything “spiritual” this time because I’m hoping I would do those things anyway... o_O Hope that works out.

---------------------------
On a side note, I’ve discovered my eyesight has gotten worse. I should really get it checked out and get a new prescription. Also, I’ve been feeling like I should be visiting a dentist soon (it’s been over 6 years since my last check-up... gross, eh? I hope flossing worked) – I’ll be talking to Tracy about this. =oP

One more thing, there are parties in the Subway trains. My friend just told me about it… and since I don’t know how to make a button that links to the site, here it is: www.newmindspace.com/ridethereindeer.php
There’s a party happening tonight, actually. If you go, please, take pics.

2005-12-07T04:36:00.000-05:00

I want to be obsessed with God... is that too much to ask?

all of God's sheep

2005-12-05T18:09:00.000-05:00

Lately I’ve been feeling like I’m confining myself to a Christian community that’s mainly (almost only) Chinese. I want to browse churches that are multicultural that don’t have any classification as to what ethnicity people are... no more Chinese Baptist church, Chinese Christian softball, or Chinese Christian fellowship (although I don’t attend the CCF at York due to my class schedule, but I’m sure if I were able to go to one of York’s Christian groups, it would be the Chinese one). Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with being a part of these groups, it’s just personally, I feel like I should see what else there is outside the Chinese community.

And hence this post... I’m trying to step out of my box and remind myself and everyone that Christ is present in many cultures. The only things separating us are the physical structures we choose to worship in.

They're in alphabetical order (funny that Chinese was the first one on the list). I'm missing many other languages, so if you know of any other ways of writing "God's sheep", please let me know. Thanks. =o)

york in all its stupid glory

2005-12-04T00:27:00.000-05:00

FIX THE ATKINSON COURSE WEB SITES!!
FIX THE ATKINSON COURSE WEB SITES!!

this is absolutely ridiculous! it is exam time and we can't access the course website!! why the hell do we pay tuition for this garbage??

myself and every other student who is and will be affected by this idiocy will make this complaint heard because it directly effects our educational success.

absolutely ridiculous.

-----------------------------
That is exactly what I wrote to technical support! I can’t sign into any of my course websites; consequently, not allowing me to see any exam details, lecture notes, or anything else my professors posted up! And this doesn’t simply affect me – everyone in my program I talked to can’t sign in either!

For the love of God... WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO!?!? ARRGGGG!!!

perverted byproducts

2005-12-01T19:33:00.000-05:00

Something I’ve been seeing a lot these days is just how “ghetto” youths are. And I don’t mean this just in their outfits, but also the personality and the speech that comes with it.

No one says “hi” anymore, it’s all “yo” this or “yo” that.
Little teenaged boys calling their friends homies or brothers or whatever
Not using indicative participles (i.e. “to be”). So instead of saying “I am” or “we were” or “she is”, it would all be: “I be”, “we be”, “she be”. For example, instead of saying, “we are hanging out with my friends.” It is, “we be chillin’ wid mah homies”
How are you? --> What’s up? --> Sup? --> Whatchu sayin’? ... it may have changed again, but I’m not hip enough to know. o_O
The “I’m too cool for school” attitude is more prevalent now, as I heard from my friend who taught high school students

Most of these things don't bother me, they're just observations. But what tops the list is how dang perverted kids/teens are these days. Literally, perverted. Disgusting. Junior high students having sex; throwing rainbow parties; girls pretending to be lesbians to get guys’ attention; girls wearing revealing “clubbing” clothing to school; FREAKIN’ oral sex in public washrooms; and guys encouraging it!! I am so revolted by this reality that it makes me sick.

Sometimes I don’t blame the youths for being the way they are. I blame the damn media; passing off that “sex sells” garbage like it’s a good excuse. Profit-driven fools. I hope they’re not surprised when they discover their 11 year old granddaughter wants another abortion.

ah finally... (random stuff)

2005-11-29T00:37:00.000-05:00

Last week was like a tree falling on baby ducks. Gravity represents the inevitableness of the situation; the tree is the heavy load of work/tests and; the baby ducks are the students that had to suffer because of it.

Something I wasn’t too impressed with, however, was that my eating abilities have plummeted. I feel so fragile and girly. Like some kind of giant, overgrown hamster that eats the same amount as its little hamster friends. It’s not a bad thing to eat less... but I had so much pride in how much I could down and now it’s been stripped away from me like Hulk Hogan’s yellow tank top.

Lately, I have also been itching to snowboard. I think I had a dream about it. Too bad the snow’s all gone now... many people are pretty happy about it since it’s warmer. But you want to know what I think? How much a person likes winter is dependant on how much they keep themselves warm outside. If they don’t wear enough clothing; they'll complain that it’s cold; therefore, dislike winter. We need to onion-up with layers!

One more thing: Christmas season starts earlier and earlier. It’s a marketing scam! Stop taking the meaning out of Christmas by masking it with the need to give gifts! That’s not what Christmas is about; put the “Christ” back in “Christmas”!

"Fun With Numbers" -W.J.

2005-11-22T19:42:00.000-05:00

--> something I saw on Will Jung's blog... some of my the answers are the same because they seemed like a good fit.

TEN things you might not know about me:
1. I have 5 fillings on 3 teeth
2. I was considered “gifted” in grade 4 judging from some test, but my family couldn’t afford to put me in a private/gifted school.
3. My longest crush lasted 6 years
4. I like eating bananas that still have green on each end
5. I have a bad sense of smell
6. I have the most epiphanies while in the washroom
7. I've never broken any bones
8. I have a horrible memory
9. I have killed many bugs with my bare hands
10. The first boy I kissed was in grade 7

NINE places I've visited:
1. China/HK
2. Nicaragua
3. States (Chinese bus tour)
4. Ottawa
5. Kingston
6. Kitchener
7. Brampton
8. Collingwood
9. Mississauga

EIGHT things I want to do before I die (I’ve said these before):
1. Finish reading the Bible thoroughly
2. Have a school named after me
3. Open a dessert/ice cream/coffeeshop lounge place
4. Write a novel
5. Try all the different Pocky flavours in the world
6. Travel around the world (Esp. Europe & Japan)
7. Learn how to swim
8. Be able to jump and touch the rim of a bball net (3 more inches!)

SEVEN ways to win my heart:
1. give me lots of attention
2. going out of your way to help others in need
3. able to hold an intellectual conversation for a long time
4. very athletic and outgoing & better than me in at least one sport
5. opinionated & has strong beliefs
6. understanding & accepting of others
7. has God at the top of their priority list; not me

SIX things I'm afraid of:
1. my family & friends dying before they know Christ
2. getting lost in a foreign place
3. finding out everything I lived for was a lie
4. raising my kids in an even more corrupt world
5. being responsible for someone else’s death
6. discovering I wasted my life, not fulfilling what was set out for me

FIVE things I don't like:
1. liars/hypocrites
2. repetitive noises
3. injustice
4. people who don’t value their family
5. smoking

FOUR ways to turn me off:
1. constantly acting homosexual if you’re heterosexual
2. gossip
3. overly concerned about their (& my) appearance
4. being inconsiderate

THREE things I do every day:
1. go online
2. wonder what people are doing
3. pray

TWO things I'm trying NOT to do right now:
1. procrastinate
2. chat on msn

ONE thing on my mind right now:
1. Ski trip to Tremblant & Blue

if we died

2005-11-19T04:49:00.000-05:00

Today was the most moving prayer meeting I could remember. Basically, all 3 small groups met together and prayed for our brother Willie and his mother... oh, how genuine each prayer was! (You can count on me to be praying for you and your family, Willie.) But why is it that we only meet together to earnestly seek and cry out to God when something “bad” happens?

-----------------------------

I became conscious again today, that I undervalue everything I have; everyone I know. UGH!! I’m so frustrated with myself that it makes me sick! I just blogged about how I took my mom for granted and here I am again... right back at the beginning. When will I learn?!

I was reminded once more that our days are numbered... we won’t be alive forever. Not in this existence at least. I ask myself, “If I were to die tomorrow, what would I do differently?” The answer is a list that I can’t acknowledge - one that I can’t live out because I’m too fixed on what I see in front of me now. What if my mom were to die tomorrow? What if my siblings did? What would I change? Even in asking these questions I’m simply concerned with the people in my inner circle! Everyone on this Earth is a child of God; my siblings. Should I not be concerned? SHOULD I NOT BE CONCERNED?!

THERE ARE THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE DYING EVERY SINGLE DAY AND WHAT AM I DOING ABOUT IT??? Absolutely nothing.

What scares me is that; the possibility of the end being near for those I love, is even a possibility at all. When will I change? When will I learn? ... please, tell me when...

Lion funnies

2005-11-17T16:47:00.000-05:00

I woke up this morning and I started thinking about this picture... and I started laughing to myself! *heh heh* oh Eugene and Sam... too funny. I'm laughing as I type because I keep looking at this pic! ^_____^

(last night my internet broke down so I used my time looking through all my digi pics)

Okay, I know this picture is very inappropriate, but it's FREAKIN' HILARIOUS!

BTW, Chai Chi’s hand isn’t actually touching her. Sorry Mabel, I had to show people. I think I would post the pic if it were me. *ha*

catching up

2005-11-16T00:25:00.000-05:00

Some things I did recently I haven’t done ever or haven’t done in a while:

Played piano (my hands were so cold by the end they turned numb and I couldn’t move fast enough for certain songs)
Drank soy milk
Text msged an old friend
Took pictures with my family
Went to Monday night volleyball (and I didn’t swear at all! Sadly to say, it’s something I struggle with while playing)
Woke up at 1:45 pm
Taught a Sunday school class
Went on Friendster
Kissed mother

--------------------------------

Some things I want to do soon:

Have coffee with someone and just allow life to slow down
Watch a movie
Make-right with people I’m not right with
Go to the gym or jog
Go snowboarding
Read Angels and Demons
Discover more Pocky flavors
Simmer in a hot bubble bath
Finish all my school work

Grand

2005-11-10T05:30:00.000-05:00

Never immersed in a love so deep
Stretched beyond all mountains’ peak
Never in this world that I would seek
Called for this heart to plunge so meek

Reigning over all sin’s deceptive veil
Blind eyes released on victory’s sail
No longer anchored by misleading fib tales
God’s wind will triumph and will not fail

Hesitant trust carries a cynical glare
Astounded to find a Man on this earth so rare
Bestow us faith; remove this stubborn layer
Expose and find there is a genuine prayer

Powerful yet merciful conveyed through His grace
His fallen, willful children He will still embrace
Despite denials, rejections, and love for sin’s taste
He still came to us; to this malevolent place

Love and peace no poem can express
Opened a joy only Satan detests
Unattainable by our worldly success
Oh, Infinite Lord, you shall not be repressed!

-----------------------------
So I decided to slack off by writing this poem (took me about a week).
To be honest, I had started the poem with the intention of writing it for Brian, but then after the first line, I thought it was too worship-like so I wrote the rest for God.
“That’s all I have to say about that.” --> the words of a good man.

sighs all around

2005-11-08T05:09:00.000-05:00

I’m flooded with work for the next 3 weeks, but I can’t concentrate...

Brian’s going to be doing his clinical in Kitchener in April and he’ll be gone for a year.

He asked me yesterday if I would cry if he wasn’t going to be in-town for clinical; of course, I said no. After all, there was an 82% chance of being placed somewhere in Toronto. Not only was he NOT placed in Toronto, but he’s also last on the waiting list. I was considering to get “rid” of a few people who were ahead of him in the waiting list, but I think ridding 5 people would be too much work.

Well, I was wrong about the crying thing. ~sigh~

I know we’ll still be able to talk every now and then, and see each other maybe once a month or something, but what scares me the most is not having him here to keep me accountable. I don’t trust myself enough to be comfortable with him leaving... I’m freaking weak I tell you! Even some of the things I was capable of doing while he was still here were rather “bad”... now they’ll be a million times worse and more tempting if he leaves! What will I do?! OH THE HUMANITY!!

ETCBC – Titus – small group – accountability partners --> I am going to lean on you guys like a fat kid against a wall after a 10 mile run.

I only recently got used to seeing him more... and now it’s being taken away... he’s leaving...

Sponge-ing

2005-11-06T05:40:00.000-05:00

I did something today that I’ve never done before... I call it sponge-ing, others may call it “mopping.” I didn’t use a mop, I used a sponge-with-a-stick-attached, so it’s not quite “mopping” – you wouldn’t use a pen to highlight things and call it highlighting; it’d be crossing things out. So yup, I sponged my kitchen floor today for the first time in the 20 years I’ve been alive. I don’t even think I did it properly (if there’s a proper way)… I just splashed dish-soapy water around and wiped it up with the sponge contraption.

Some trivial things I learned:

I learned the location of the sponge-thing
Don’t use too much soap – it gets too unnecessary bubbly and it takes forever to rinse and dry.
Splash soapy water as you go – don’t be an idiot and splash the whole floor first because then your feet gets wet.
Take the things out of the kitchen that you’ll need later – prevents you from needing to re-enter while the floor is still wet.

Some significant things I learned:

I’ve taken for granted the fact that I have a house to live in and take care of – there are so many people who do not have shelter at all... and here I am, whining about the rooms I need to clean and too lazy to keep things uncluttered.
I never realized how many things my mother had to do to keep the house clean and tidy... it’s absolutely frustrating when I’m the one cleaning for me and my siblings and they don’t care enough to help out. Now I can truly empathize with her when she does all the chores without any of her children to lend a hand

It’s true what they say, you never know what you have until it’s gone.

breaking down

2005-11-05T06:52:00.000-05:00

I have made You too small in my eyes
O Lord, forgive me;
And I have believed in a lie
That You were unable to help me.
But now, O Lord, I see my wrong
Heal my heart and show Yourself strong;
And in my eyes and with my song
O Lord, be magnified
O Lord, be magnified.

Be magnified, O Lord
You are highly exalted;
And there is nothing
You can’t do
O Lord, my eyes are on You.
Be magnified,
O Lord, be magnified.

I have leaned on the wisdom of men
O Lord, forgive me;
And I have responded to them I
nstead of Your light and Your mercy.
But now, O Lord, I see my wrong
Heal my heart and show Yourself strong;
And in my eyes with my song
O Lord, be magnified
O Lord, be magnified.

(Song: Be Magnified by Lynn Deshazo)
---------------------------------------

LORD, FORGIVE ME!!

I don’t think I’ve been so impacted by song lyrics in a long time... probably since TC 2000 when I accepted Christ. I didn’t think I’d get so emotional, but I did (I don't usually admit to this). It’s because in the midst of singing, the words told my story. It’s funny how songs can touch and relate to a person so personally; so sacredly.

I was thinking just now, it’s sad that I need to break down every single day for me to appreciate just how awesome God is... and when I don't, I lose sight of how beautiful He really is...

2005-11-02T01:54:00.000-05:00

Once upon a time, there lived a man who found a magic cup and learned that if he wept into the cup, his tears turned into pearls. But even though he had always been poor, he was a happy man and rarely shed a tear. So he found ways to make himself sad so that his tears could make him rich. As the pearls piled up, so did his greed grow...

The story ended with the man sitting on a mountain of pearls, a knife in hand, weeping helplessly into the cup with his beloved wife’s slain body in his arms.

---------------------------
This story was written in this novel I’m reading, The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini. A simple, ironic story that brings out the complexity of greed – I thought it was brilliant and thus I share it with you.
It amazing what some people would do for more things... we just want more. More what? More of anything we can get our hands on. But I find that the things we need more of, we can't touch and don't ask for. Such as love, respect, dignity, wisdom, control, patience, peace, the list goes on and on... fascinating.

Can you keep a secret?

2005-10-31T04:19:00.000-05:00

I hate that question. But allow me to tell you what I mean when I say “secret.” Just for this blog entry, the term secret is a piece of information that has been told to you and doesn’t involve you. You, the receiver, have acquired a “secret”, and the teller is SHARING about themselves (not “telling a secret” because by this definition, to tell a secret is equivalent to gossiping). If you have a secret, than you now have the responsibility to KEEP IT A SECRET.

If someone trusts you enough to tell you something particular about themselves or something that happened to them, you better keep that trust by keeping your mouth shut. What kind of friend blabs? If you’re not trustworthy enough to keep a secret, what makes you think the new party you’re telling is anymore worthy of keeping it? Once you tell the secret, you’re now gossiping.

Sharing --> receiving a secret --> telling the secret --> gossiping

Also, if what you’re sharing includes more people than just yourself; THOSE OTHER PEOPLE BETTER KNOW WHAT YOU’RE TELLING TO OTHERS AND THAT THE THINGS YOU’RE TELLING ARE ACCURATE. It’s not just your story. And don’t make up BS and tell that BS like it’s true. What you have to understand is that stuff like this always goes back to those you don’t want to hear it...

It’s too late to undue damages, but the first step is to admit and apologize. Why can’t some people just keep their mouths shut? You know what this all goes back to; at the root?
Honesty.

1,2,3, more about me... dang, eh?

2005-10-29T06:22:00.000-04:00

These “tag games” remind me of chain letters... But because I have no life, I’ll play along.
5 random facts about me:

1. The only thing that has ever made me lose my appetite (that I can remember) is seeing some very slutty, hairy, cross-dressing men on Jerry Springer.

2. I can’t cook anything other than breakfast food and instant things. Even when I fry pre-made dumplings, or heat spoon-n-bake cookies (right, Sam?), I somehow screw them up half the time. OH, and this one time, when I was really young, my brother and I burnt something really badly and all this smoke started coming out of the pot. So, remembering what we saw on those educational videos, we put the lid on and crawled out of the house on our stomachs... seeing how the thin layer of smoke against the ceiling could have killed us and all...

3. One of my past “goals” in life, before I became Christian, was to turn a gay man straight... somehow... o_O

4. I’ve been punched in the crotch so hard, that their fist penetrated my pelvic bone to the point where I was on the ground for a few minutes in pain... yeah, you don’t think stuff like this happens to girls... but apparently, they do.

5. Back in the day, in my old house, my brother and I would make a whole bunch of tents with our blankets and sticks. One time, we connected all the blankets and my mother walked into a living-room of tents... it was great. ^__^

Five people I would like to do this: Ken Leung, Sam Wong, Selina Wong, Willie Loo, Hazel Tenafrancia (I hope I spelt your last name correctly... o_O)... Richard Tsang, I believe you were tagged also, I want to see some things I don't know about you.

a royal pain

2005-10-28T06:05:00.000-04:00

Someone once asked me, “why is your blog name: minutes to sanity?”
Well, to put the answer plainly, I thought I’d be ranting on about the things I like/dislike on it and that would, in effect, lower my insanity level... therefore, with each post, I become one step closer to being "sane"... whatever that means. o_O

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I overheard a girl telling her boyfriend (or husband or possibly brother) she saw a certain coat. She talked about how it was too expensive for her to buy it herself... how it was somewhat unnecessary... how much she wanted it, but couldn’t afford it since she has a low-paying job (apparently). Eventually, after saying a few times, “oh no, I don’t want you to spend so much money on me,” she allowed him to buy her the coat.

These types of girls piss me off. Dang princesses.

Even if you don’t mind paying and you consider $50 bills as loose change, you shouldn’t have to tolerate this kind of materialisticness. That’s just plain selfish on the girl’s part. By buying these “gifts”, you’re spoiling them and fencing them in their own acquisitive behavior. Don’t be stupid; show them how to appreciate what they already have. (Note: I’m being gender-specific because it’s easier to type... I know the roles could be switched in reality, but I believe this way is more common.)

The only thing I think is okay to ask for is food. But not like fancy expensive food, I mean the cheap stuff. Why? Because:
1. You’re more likely to be genuinely “in need” if you couldn’t even afford cheap food and you’re humble enough to ask for something that cheap.
2. Food is a life essential; if they don’t eat; it’ll affect their health, and what good is having a starving girlfriend?
3. It’s easy to repay and to return the favor. If you’re really that poor, you could cook food that’s around for them as your sign of your gratitude... whereas, if they bought you a LuLu Lemon coat, you couldn’t sew up another one as “compensation”.
4. Food leads to waiting... waiting leads to talking... talking leads to knowledge of the other person (and from there, it could go either way: good or bad)... and that leads to touching. *heh heh* (j/k... well, in certain cases it does... o_O)

So, to all you princesses (male and female) out there: back off, get your own _______! (please fill in blank with materialistic goods)

you there, with the coat

2005-10-27T17:06:00.000-04:00

To the mysterious guy at Tim Hortin's/Wendy’s (Midland/Steeles),

Who are you?

You stood there at the Wendy’s doorway and didn’t come in. I saw you... and looked at you a few times because I thought I recognized you. You were looking in my direction for a while, but you didn’t come inside. In fact, by the 3rd time I looked up, you ran away... literally... I didn’t have my glasses on, so your face is a blur. (I had too much pride to wave to you, or put on my glasses and look at you again... probably thought I was checking you out if I did.)
I’m not saying I was being checked out or anything, I was just observing my surroundings. Maybe you were looking my way because I was looking at you? I was probably squinting to try to get my eyes to focus.

Anyway, if I do know you, message me! I know... “What are the chances?!” ~shrug~ BUT if you’re a slim, medium-height, Oriental-looking guy with a royal blue coat that did all that stuff I said above last night, and you know me; communicate to me!

(Although this post sounds like a dating service thing... I CAN ASSURE YOU, IT’S NOT!! Just my curiosity has peeked in this matter... so forgive me as to what this may sound like.)

how about you PING THIS!

2005-10-27T16:45:00.000-04:00

I recently realized that repetitive noises drive me insane.

Like yesterday, when I was on the Steeles [E] bus (a lot of things happen on the bus for me because I spend an average of 410 minutes on them per week… o_O), I was sitting in the first row of double-seats after a long day of class; heading towards Timmy’s to study some more. In front of me was a divider that separates the double seats w/ the 3-“for old people”-seats that face the other direction.

Anyway, there was this brown girl (I say “brown” for descriptive purposes only) who looked like she was 16, yakking away on her cell phone. I don’t mind people talking on their cell phones... it gives me something to focus on (*ha ha* j/k). What I DID mind was that she put her boney-long-fingernailed hands on the divider – which again, was in front of me – and started flicking the metal pole. Over and over again... ping ping ping ping ping...

Out of courtesy, I was going to (kindly) ask her to stop after she was done talking on her cell... but by time I got to Leslie, I was ready to smack her hands so hard her fingernails would cry.

She didn’t put the phone down for a second. So, halfway through the ride (around Woodbine), I decided to pretend I was sleeping and “accidentally” let go of my umbrella and have it hit her hands. *heh heh* >=o) I executed my plan...

I missed.

It landed on the floor. Crap. And thus, she continued... flicking away at the pole for the rest of the 50 minute ride... from Finch Station, all the way to Midland...

inhale garbage

2005-10-23T05:44:00.000-04:00

To the right is a picture of a hairy tongue caused by poor mouth hygiene and smoking. (yes, I had to get the grossest picture I could find...)

I think smoking is a very selfish habit/lifestyle. You’re basically saying, “I know it can do damage to me and the people around me, but I don’t care.”

People who whine and explain how they can’t quit and say how many times they’ve tried but failed... basically mean they didn’t try hard enough. I’ve heard stories of old men who’ve been smoking longer than I’ve been alive, and they can quit!

Every cigarette package has pictures of tar-ridden organs and harmful smoking facts... so not many people can say they don’t know its effects. Well, here is some information that should make one think twice about smoking:

1. Money Stats

Tobacco accounts for over $9.56 billion in healthcare costs and lost of productivity in Canada
In Ontario, the direct and indirect components of smoking-related costs are estimated to be US$2.91 billion. Associated with these economic costs are health-related harms: 69,318 hospital separations; 1,007,647 days stay in hospitals; 11,648 deaths resulting in more than 171,443 person-years lost.
If instead of smoking 2 packs per day for 50 years, you could have had an estimated $1,000,000 if you invested it in a major tobacco company
The average cost of treating squamous cell carcinoma of the head and neck (a cancer caused almost exclusively by smoking ) is $25,542 more than the cost of treating other comparable solid tumors

2. Smoker Stats

Smokers will die an average of over 12 years sooner than non-smokers
Over 90% of laryngeal cancers are caused by smoking
Smoking causes 87% of all lung cancer cases
Smoking is a major factor in impotence
Tobacco use has been associated with premature aging and skin wrinkling
Each year, smoking kills more people than AIDS, alcohol, drug abuse, car crashes, murders, suicides, and fires---combined!
Smoking has been implicated in the risk of diabetes, obesity and mental retardation in the newborn
Tobacco kills as many Americans as in all our wars combined. Over 1,000,000,000 people. Tobacco kills that many every 3 years!

3. Secondhand Smoke Stats

An estimated 35,000 to 40,000 deaths from heart disease in people who are not current smokers (US only). Exposure to passive smoke can increase your risk of heart disease by 50%
About 3,000 lung cancer deaths in nonsmoking adults.
Other respiratory problems caused by smoking in nonsmokers include: Coughing, phlegm, chest discomfort, and reduced lung function
150,000 to 300,000 lower respiratory tract infections (such as pneumonia and bronchitis) in children younger than 18 months of age, which result in 7,500 to 15,000 hospitalizations
Increased number and severity of asthma attacks in about 200,000 to 1 million asthmatic children

4. If you quit stats

After 20 minutes your heart rate slows
After 12 hours the carbon monoxide in your blood returns to a normal level
Between 2 weeks to 3 months your lung functions improve and your risk of heart attacks declines
Between 1 to 9 months your coughing and shortness of breath reduces
After 1 year your risk of a heart attack in one half that of a smoker's
Between 5 to 15 years your risk of stroke is the same as someone who does not smoke
After 10 years your risk of lung cancer is one half that of a smoker's

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The best way to quit is to set a date and quit cold-turkey.
“If there’s a will, there’s a way.”

(Reference: http://www.tobacco-facts.info/ <-- I was going to source, but I got lazy.)

Chonovations

2005-10-15T08:16:00.000-04:00

I was sitting in the back of the bus on my way to fellowship, when I realized how many more people we could fit on a bus if everyone was standing. And then I saw that usually 73% of everyone who takes the bus is more than capable of standing the entire trip [note: statistics may be inaccurate]. After that, I began thinking of practical bus designs... I will call my creation: The Chomobile. (yes, I ocassionally like to name things after myself... =oP)

But before I explain my design, I want to note a few things:

The Chomobile is only meant for heavy people-traffic times/places – like during rush hour or going to popular locations (i.e. the CNE, universities at "perk" hours, etc.)
If everyone stands, they’d burn more calories and thus, we’ll have a healthier nation! (To a certain extent anyway)
Since almost everyone is standing, there wouldn’t be as many people who cut into the lines to get seats... and even if they do, those who were budded wouldn't care as much since there isn’t a lot to run after.

Okay, time to explain the design (following the green numbers labeled):
1. All those thin-table-looking things are ledges for people to put their bags or backpacks on while standing. People could also prop their kids on them if they’d like, but generally, adults wouldn’t do such a thing on a packed bus.

2. There are a bunch of seats in the front reserved for seniors, the less-physically capable people and pregnant women. I believe the drivers should do their best to enforce such deeds (on the Chomobile and on buses today). I noticed that there aren’t too many seniors who take the bus and those who do, sometimes prefer standing. Like this one time, I offered my seat to an elderly lady (because I was sitting next to her husband and there were no other seats left) and she didn’t respond to me. In fact, she turned to her husband, who again was sitting beside me, and said, “I just hate it when people offer their seat to me... What, do they think I’m old?!” o_O Now I'm scarred.

3. That’s a sample pole. Clearly, there will be more placed around the aisles if the Chomobile is actually made. And they will have the “Request Stop” buttons on them like the buses now have for easy, awesome stopping convenience.

4. Say goodbye to “Litter Here” labels with NO place to put our trash in on today’s buses! Introducing the new and improved on-the-bus garbage can! Wow, how did I think of this one... *heh heh*

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If I ever think of more inventions/innovations, I’ll be sure to post them. I had a lot more before I discovered they’ve already been invented... like my tear-away underwear for fast and efficient removal (for whatever reasons people need to remove their undies quickly... o_O)! Or my 2-in-1 pen and roll-on whiteout for those with small pencil cases and can’t fit everything! And my bite-sized deep-fried mini-cake bowls filled with ice cream (I wanted this to be my “signature dessert”... but I don’t think it’ll happen. -_-“)!

But anyway, that’s enough about that. Why am I still awake?! ...aw, who’s online at 5am??

the jerk update

2005-10-13T17:01:00.000-04:00

After so many times of admitting to my gullibleness, it has come back to bite me in the ass again.
The other guys paid and are off the hook EXCEPT this one guy who only paid $60 for the whole time he’s been here.

This is what happened:
He has no money whatsoever. He has nothing but his passport, a change of clothing, a broken TV and VCR, bed sheets and a laptop. He owed us $320. He said there’s a buyer for his laptop and that he was going to sell it for $400, giving us $250 (since he claimed he’d need more money to “survive” when he left) and paying the rest later. He offered to sign a contract with all his information and stating that he would owe us the money within the next 3 months.

This morning at 10am, the buyer was supposed to come by to purchase the laptop. We had kept the laptop overnight incase he decided to take off on us. I was awake at 8am because I needed to study for a quiz at 11:30am. So the guy rings the doorbell and asks me to bring the laptop down so he can check things before the buyer came. I go down with the laptop and he begins to take it out of the case, plugging it in and starting it up. I tell him that I’m going to get my sister down to take care of everything, since I had to leave my house soon and she is responsible for handling the rent money.

I go upstairs and wake my sister up. She’s up and downstairs about 10 minutes after I had come up. He was gone. HE LEFT!! THAT ANAL PASSAGE LEFT!! THAT LYING, SELFISH, EVIL, DECEPTIVE PISS-OFF LEFT!!

I let my guard down for 10 minutes and I cost my mother $320 plus the agony she was put through over the past month because of this guy... ARGG!! Some daughter I am, eh?

Every person I talked to said I shouldn’t have left it with the guy... every single person. Let me tell you, it feels pretty crappy to hear this over and over again because I knew that fact way before anyone had to say it to me aloud. I get it people, I screwed up. I messed this crap up and I know it; just get off my case because there’s nothing I can do now but beat myself up inside for doing it. What I hate about this situation most is that I believed him... I believed everything he said he was going to do until I found out he screwed us over... -_-“ How do I change that?

"hungry, I come to you..."

2005-10-11T02:56:00.000-04:00

Remember when I went to Nicaragua?

Well, to make a long story short --> the houses we had started are now FINISHED!
WOOT WOOT!

It’s such an amazing thing to be apart of... I urge you to go on one of these trips if you ever get the chance. You won’t regret it. Even if you’re eating beans every day and you hate beans; you’d still have a great time! ^__^

Oh, and I just discovered the “add pictures” button! Now my blogs can have a new and exciting dynamic to them! OoooOOoOOo. (Easily amused, I am.)

One more thing. Today was the first day in ages that I voluntarily watched TV... and of all the things I watched, it was a World Vision child sponsoring documentary-type thing. My goodness, I cried my eyes out. Now I’m seriously considering sponsoring a child. But since I have $0 income... I’ll have to contemplate as to how this will be funded.

God doesn’t reveal to me enough, just how blessed I really am.

stupid jerks - piss me off

2005-10-10T15:08:00.000-04:00

There are 3 guys (jerks, if you will) who rented my basement last month. Only one of them has paid for this month, the other 2 have not. My sister who have been dealing with them didn’t get them to put down a deposit before they moved in because she “trusted” them... then these stupid jerks brings another friend to stay, so now there are 4 --> 3 of whom have not paid.

They smoke in the house after my mom continuously tells them not to. They leave lights on all the time. They washed 2 face towels in the washing machine under the “delicate” cycle. They invite friends to stay overnight. They go into our garage and messes things around. They’re loud and irresponsible. But most of all, THEY DON’T PAY THE RENT!

The way we have been operating with people who rent the basement thus far has been too relaxed. We don’t ask them so sign any contracts or anything so we don’t have any legal documents stating that they pay such an amount at such and such a time.

WHAT DO WE DO?! We want to kick them out, but how? Move all their stuff out into the lawn while they’re gone and change the locks? (<-- That’s what I suggested.) We’ve already told them to leave but there seems to be no signs of movement.

Does anyone know if we have a legal case? My mom says the “police” people always back up the renters; not the homeowners. Is that true? I don’t believe so because there are too many iffy situations to make a general claim like that, but she seems confident enough to not threaten to sue them. Can we sue them for trespassing? How do we get the rent money and have them leave?

The longer they stay, the longer their free-loading grows. PLEASE give us some advice!

What jerks. >=o(

the naked me

2005-10-09T03:49:00.000-04:00

There were a series of events that happened to me. No, I didn’t get naked. So, I’ll tell you what happened first, and then explain.

Some years ago, I went kind of obsessed with losing weight. At the time, according to my BMI (body mass index), a “Do-It-Yourself Body-fat Percentage Test” I found online, my family (siblings especially), and the portrait media painted of the “ideal size” woman – I was fat. I told my best friend at the time (who was around the same size as me now that I look back at the photos) about my plumpness, but she told me I wasn’t.

About a year or so ago, I started doing some weight-watching again – but not for the same reasons; I wanted to be healthy. But when I mentioned to a few of my friends about my lifestyle changes, they said, “Julie, you’re not fat. You look fine – quit worrying so much.”

During the past summer, after a nice game of softball, the Lions and another team (I don’t remember exactly which one) did a devotional together. Our task was to go into groups of 4 or 5 and tell each other one bad thing, one good thing and one thing we would like to change about ourselves. I remember thinking really hard about the stuff I wanted to change, like my ears, my flexibility (or lack thereof) or improve some softball skill... but when it came time to share, a thought hit me and I said, “I wish I didn’t have any secrets.”

A month or so ago, in the Scarborough Grace Hospital where I volunteer, a middle-aged man kept watching me while I walked around and did my duties. He was waiting for the doctor to see him, so I assumed he had nothing better to occupy himself with. But after a good hour of observing, he finally came up, stared me straight in the eyes and said, “I just wanted to let you know that you’re beautiful.”

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Okay, I just want to make it clear that I’m not looking for any comments about my appearance. Like I’ve said blogs past, I can’t take criticism (negative or positive). So, please don’t say anything about that for my sake.

Now then, to tie everything up... after each of those scenarios, I found myself saying in my mind,
“That’s because you’ve never seen me naked.”
I still say that, actually. Sometimes even aloud when people I’m comfortable with make a comment about my looks. You don’t know what I hide... all the little deformities I may have. Apart of this blog entry, I was going to list out all my “not normal” physical characteristics of myself, but I was advised not to... because I wouldn’t know what that would accomplish. In fact, I don’t know what my main point is.

My thoughts are jumbled, but what I think I’m trying to say is... I may not look like the girl you may think I look like. Hum... sounds odd... how about this: we girls (although I can really only speak for myself now) hide a lot of ourselves to have ourselves believe we look better than we think we look when we’re absolutely naked. Huh... Okay, 3’s the charm, I’m going to try to make sense of my thoughts one more time: when it comes to appearance, there are many things you may not be able to see because we/I have mastered the art of disguising our/my “ugliness” that only we/I know exist. I know I’m probably scaring you with what “things” I may be hiding, but comparing myself to other naked women I’ve seen, I’m not a monster. But that doesn’t matter, the bottom line is... we’re all ugly. *ha ha* (kidding) I don’t know... dang, I shouldn’t have blogged. Do I make sense? Probably not. But I think I make sense, so I’ll just leave it at that.

End communication.

2-tier my butt

2005-10-08T17:48:00.000-04:00

I love talking about the Canadian healthcare (HC) system. Anyone who has spoken with me about this topic knows that I am currently anti-privatization (present me with opposing evidence-based support and maybe I’ll look more favourably towards the private sector). I’ve had a lot of intriguing debates about it, especially with a number of people who have very strong views for pro-privatization.

My main reasons for my views on the “2-tier” public/private HC system
Many people believe that if we had a paralleling private system where patients can purchase the treatment they need; it can not only relieve them of the long waiting lists for themselves, but also allow those who are waiting be pushed up on the lineup.
It won’t work. Here’s why:

Physicians and HC workers in the US (they have a fully private system) get paid almost twice the amount as the ones in Canada do. What will stop Canada’s physicians from transferring to the private hospitals with such incentives? And if they do pull physicians out of the public system, there would be just as much, if not more, waiting for those people who cannot afford private HC.
It’s been shown that the care received in private systems does not match up to the care received in public system. I’m assuming it’s because they try to see as many patients as possible to maximize their pay (not diagnosing thoroughly), hiring not-as-skilled but less-expensive laborers (for housekeeping, kitchen staff, etc.) which may affect its cleanliness and overall efficiency, the less patients = more desperate for patients... and who knows what that might lead to.
People waiting for organ transplants or hip (or other body parts) replacements aren’t suddenly going to experience an increase in the number of donors; they’re still going to have to wait.
People complained when the government delisted some services off OHIP (e.g. eye examination, dentist checkups, etc.); would people not complain more when we need to pay for more services that are deemed “medically necessary”?
A small hospital costs millions to operate. Who is going to fund the initial funding to build these private hospitals? I hear Alberta, who is currently trying to open Canada’s first private hospital, is asking the federal government for funding. Where does the government’s money come from? Taxes. Are we willing to pay more taxes, or reallocate funding from public services like education, to build hospitals for those who are wealthy enough to pay for expensive treatments (I say ‘expensive’ because generally, treatments are hundreds to thousands of dollars)?
Can private HC not become for-profit? I don’t believe so. I think when shareholders, cost-savings, marketing, competition, wants/demands, and other economics’ terms get involved – it’s inevitable. What good is a for-profit HC system? We don’t know what we need when we’re sick; physicians tell us what we need. It’s the ultimate monopoly! I recently saw a video that stated that our HC system is a potential multi-trillion dollar market – it’s no wonder companies are trying to get a piece of the action! Especially those from the south of the border, trying to slowing move their way up into this “market”.
This brings me to my next point... I don’t think healthcare is something to be purchased like any other commodity. It’s not our choice to get sick, we just do. And it’s not like we enjoy getting treatment. Health is something sacred and affects every aspect of our lives.
Should those who richer be treated faster? Should those who have better insurance be treated better or faster than any middle class person who needs urgent care? Why is money a determining factor as to how others will live their lives? Is this fair? These are the types of questions that will be raised if a so-called “2-tier” HC systems stems in Canada. Not to mention this goes against the principles of the Canadian Health Act.

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I have a lot more to say... I’ll probably write it in my next post. Most of the points I made are backed by evidence-based literature. If I were a real geek, I would’ve referenced them... though I thought about it, I decided that sleep will help more in the long run.

One last point: The best way to help our HC system is by PREVENTION. (or get rid of the “free-loaders” who abuse the system by choosing to damage their health, then demand treatment for themselves when ill... but that’s not feasible.)

don't push

2005-10-06T02:41:00.000-04:00

Here I am once more, walking my own ways
I don’t need your help, my wrongs I will pay
Yet I ache again and again
You hold out your hand,
But I push it away
Again and again

Here I am once more, choosing the path of sin
I turn my face away, from you I want to be hidden
Yet I fall again and again
You hold out your hand,
But I push it away
Again and again

Why do you keep trying?
Oh God, let me be!
I don’t deserve your love
I don’t deserve your love!
So please, please stop trying...

Here I am once more, a stranger in my mirror
I'm lost in my own act, only my name on the paper
And I cry again and again
You hold out your name
But I push it away
Again and again

Why do you keep trying?
Oh God, let me be!
I don’t deserve your love
I don’t deserve your love
So please, please stop trying...

But you chose to love me, knowing what’s in my heart
You chose die for me, knowing I may want us apart
I don’t deserve your love
But you said it’s okay...

Why do you keep trying?
Oh God, let me be!
I don’t deserve your love
But you said it’s okay...

You hold out your hand
I take it
I’ll stay.

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These are the lyrics of a song I wanted to write for God. But it'll be years before I can come up with any instrumental parts to it... maybe never. If society didn't limit the average length of songs to a few minutes, my song for/about God could be endless... there's just too much to write when it comes to the Lord Most High

funny how humans operate

2005-10-04T17:07:00.000-04:00

Everyone thinks they make rational, objective, well thought-out decisions, whether they are big or small decisions. But let me tell you, I was enlightened recently... I’ll summarize my findings:

The Anchoring Trap
Is the population of Turkey greater than 35 million?
What’s your best estimate of Turkey’s population?
If you’re like most people, the figure of 35 million cited in the first question (a number chosen arbitrarily) influenced your answer to the second question. This question was asked to many groups of people; half the cases they used 35 million and the other half they used 100 million. As predicted, the answer to the second question increased by millions when a greater figure was used in the first question. This common phenomenon is known as anchoring. “When considering a decision, the mind gives disproportionate weight to the first information it receives. Initial impressions, estimates, or data anchor subsequent thoughts and judgments.”
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The Sunk-Cost Trap
Your friend needed a job and you decided to pull a few strings and ask a few favors from your boss to have him hired. Your friend isn’t the most reliable person and can’t cut it as the employee you made him out to be. What do you do? You try to teach him more, fix his mistakes, make excuses for him; pour enormous effort into improving the performance of an employee whom we knew shouldn’t have hired.
Our past decisions become what economists term as sunk costs – old investments of time or money that are now irrecoverable. We know, rationally, that sunk costs are irrelevant to present decision, but nevertheless they prey one our minds, causing use to make improper decisions. Frequently, it’s because we are unwilling, consciously or not, to admit we made a mistake... especially if there are other people affected by your mistake. We become trapped by an “escalation of commitment” and try, consciously or unconsciously, to protect our earlier, faulty decisions.
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The Confirming-Evidence Trap
Your boyfriend just broke up with you and you needed to call someone to vent to. You decide to call one of your girl friends, whom you know wasn’t too fond of your ex-boyfriend to begin with, to get support and comfort from.
Okay, I know that example is situational and when dealing with people, things are very complex. But the general idea behind this trap is that, when we believe something is the best decision and we’re looking for evidence and supporters, we tend to seek out the people who have similar ideas as us. “The confirming-evidence bias not only affects where we go to collect evidence but also how we interpret the evidence we do receive, leading us to give too much weight to supporting information and too little to conflicting information.”
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The Framing Trap 1 --> Gains vs. Losses
Your father put you in charge of taking care of 3 boxes of merchandise each box worth $200. Somehow, the boxes got lost in the shipping, but the insurance company offers you 2 options:
Plan A. This plan will save the merchandise of one of the 3 boxes, worth $200.
Plan B. This plan has a 1/3 probability of saving all 3 boxes, worth $600, but has a 2/3 probability of saving nothing.
Which plan will you choose?
Most people in this type of study chose the “less risky” Plan A. But if we were to ask you to choose between:
Plan C. This plan will result in the loss of 2 of the 3 boxes, worth $400.
Plan D. This plan has a 2/3 probability of resulting in the loss of all 3 boxes, but has a 1/3 probability of saving all the merchandise, worth $600.
In this framing, most people would choose Plan D. If you haven’t noticed, Plan A=Plan C, and Plan B=Plan D. As studies show, people are less risky when a problem is put in terms of gains (boxes saved) but riskier when a problem is posed in terms of avoiding losses (boxes lost).
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The Framing Trap 2 --> Different Reference Points
You have $2000 in your checking account and you are asked the following question:
Would you accept a 50-50 chance of either losing $300 or winning $500?
Would you accept the chance? What if you were asked this question:
Would you prefer to keep your checking account balance of $2000 or to accept a 50-50 chance of having either $1700 or $2500?
Rationally speaking, your answers should be the same, but studies have shown that many people to refuse the 50-50 chance in the first question, but accept it in the second. Our different reactions result from the different reference points presented. The first frame, with its reference point of $0, emphasized incremental gains and losses – the thought of losing triggers a conservative response in many people’s minds. The second frame, with its reference point of $2000, puts things into perspective by emphasizing the real financial impact of the decision.

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There are many other traps that are mentioned, but I believe they are more obvious and recognizable which is why I didn’t include them. Just remember: the higher the stakes, the higher the risk of being caught in a psychological trap – the best protection against all psychological traps is AWARENESS.

Re: J. S. Hammond, R.L. Keeney, and H. Raiffa. “Thinking about the hidden traps in decision making.” Harvard Business Review. Sept-Oct 1998.

Pride: mother of all sins?

2005-10-01T16:42:00.000-04:00

Today (Friday) for fellowship, we had a book study in our small groups. Included in my assembly are: Willie (co-leader), Tracy (committee member), Albert, Chris, Richard, and me (the few people missing: Antony, Ben and Judy).

After about an hour of sharing about our childhood life, Chris and Richard had to leave for worship practice... that’s when the real sharing began. (not saying there was anything wrong with the 2 who left; we just started to answer the questions that were set out for the night)

Anyway, the 4 of us had a very moving conversation... it’s been a long time since I was so indulged in a small group in this depth of intimacy. I loved it.
One of the questions was:
Have you ever done something (or not do something) to someone where it made you feel like the lowest person in the world?

You can imagine the type of discussion this was.

I was astounded by the humility of this group... sharing and confessing things a common person wouldn’t even say aloud. I’m also very proud of them. (I say “them” and not “us” because sadly, I am yet to be at that level of openness to share what is heavy on my heart...) The only problem is what happens when the rest of the group is there. Will we be as comfortable? Will people be able to share?

... I guess there’s nothing left to do but wait and see... but it’s amazing what happens when people lower their pride and take a step back to really analyze themselves and their situations. =o)

Things I’m looking forward to:

2005-10-01T04:13:00.000-04:00

Mac Friends Thanksgiving dinner
Catching up with: James Lau, Allison (from Mac), my Accountability partners (Asako & Helen), Anita (from East York), Lions’ players I don’t see often
Playing more softball
Jewish holidays - no class
Hearing from people in Nicaragua
Sunday church service
Celebrating sister’s and brother’s birthdays (bdays are: Sept 25, Oct 2, respectively)
Playing volleyball
The next small group meeting
Having a long conversation with mother
Sleeping with lots of thick/puffy blankets (having the window slightly open for a cool breeze)
Getting to know someone a little better

... not having to worry about anything

our story

2005-09-26T03:38:00.000-04:00

This post is dedicated to Brian Leung.

So, Brian and I have been dating for 3.5 years (March 26th is our anniversary, thus September 26th would be the half point) and I don’t know about you, but that’s a crazy amount of time. My 2nd-longest relationship before Brian lasted exactly 30 days... we broke up right on our “one month”. It shocks me every time I think about it.

During this time, there were many ups and downs... events that have changed me and shaped me. Brian played a big part in my devotion to Christ and in turn, Christ has molded and become apart of every aspect of my life. I’m very thankful for him and Him; they’re the 2 biggest influences and 2 very important people to me.

And as a commemoration on the years past, I’m going to tell the story of how Brian and I got together (in 3rd person because it’s more amusing to write).

-------------------------------

It’s the winter of 2002 and Julie came to ETCBC like she has done for the past year, but now as a new Christian. She and her friend Helen sat in the front aisle. Before the music began, everyone was asked to stand up and greet the people around them. Brian and his friend David, who usually sat in the next row of pews, ended up sitting in the pew right behind Julie.

“Hello, I’m Julie.”
“Hi, I’m Brian.”

This was their first exchange of words.

About a month passed with little conversation between the 2. One day, after Sunday school, Julie and Brian were found stranded at church because everyone else had left for lunch without them. So they started talking and after a while, Julie mentioned to Brian that she needed to go to Toys ‘R Us to buy gifts for her little cousins, and being the gentleman that he was, he offered to go with her. As they walked and talked, they decided to go to lunch together at Memories of Japan.

They became good friends quickly and attraction between the 2 began to mound as they got to know each other more. As Christmas day approached, Brian and Julie ran into each other often and saw each other’s names in obscure places (i.e. a gift receipt, street signs, advertisements, etc.). It soon became evident that they liked one another and one strange conversation over ICQ and phone, they told each other how they felt.

Knowing they liked each other, it was very important that they find out whether or not God wanted them to be together. Julie, not knowing what it meant to “ask God” for guidance, was very dependant on Brian for what she should be doing.

“Just pray and read the Bible,” he said, “You’ll know when it’s God speaking.”

So, for the next 3 months, they both earnestly prayed and did devotionals – waiting for God’s response.

One night, as Julie was reading through Matthew, she had to go to the washroom midway through. She placed her pen where she had left off and went. When she returned, the pen was at a completely different section of the Bible; the first page of Ecclesiastes! On and on it went about how things were meaningless... she began to feel as if this was a sign and that they shouldn’t be together. But determined to finish the book, she kept reading and came along to a passage that read,
“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” Ecclesiastes 4: 9-12

Julie phoned Brian immediately after reading this and told him about the passage. To his surprise, that was the exact same passage as the one his previous girlfriend had read when they were deciding whether or not to date (and as their title states, they did date). Crazy isn’t it? Anyway, not too long after, Brian began to feel as though God was leading them to get together also. Then, after months of waiting, praying, and seeking, on March 26th, 2002 around 1:30am, Brian asked her out.

------------------------------

Ahhh, the memories... I wish I can remember them all... -_-"

I love you, Brian. =o)

truths & half-truths

2005-09-06T17:25:00.000-04:00

To me, there's no such thing as a half-truth; they’re as good as lies.

For example, it’s like someone in a chat room telling a little girl, “yes, I’m young...” and leaving out, “young at heart.” Or asking A/S/L (age/sex/location) and someone replying, “17/F/Canada…” leaving out, “40 years ago I was 17, which is when I had my sex change in Canada.”

I’ll be honest; I’m pretty anal when it comes to people telling me lies and “half-truths”. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt that what they’re saying is true all the time... so when I find out they’ve lied to me, it makes me feel like I’ve wasted my time fully trusting them. But another problem is that I’m very gullible and I give my trust to everyone until they lose it... please don’t make things difficult by lying.

“White lies.” I don’t like those either. If I ask you how you are and you tell me you’re okay when you face tells me otherwise, how am I supposed to react?
1. This tells me you might be lying.
2. It tells me you either don’t trust me enough to tell me what’s wrong or you just don’t want me to worry about you, which is already too late because I’ll worry about you even more now that you won’t tell me what the problem is.
3. You have one less person who can pray for you and give you support and be there for you.

Also, if I ask you if I look okay in some item of clothing, but in fact, I look like road-kill – tell me please! I’d rather know the truth and I’ll be thankful for your honesty. Oh, which reminds me, for those who can’t handle the truth - suck it up and move on... it’s not worth your time or energy to have negative feelings lingering over what someone said to you that was truthful. In fact, it takes a lot more courage to tell someone the truth than a lie, thus be appreciative of what you hear.

“Over exaggerations” are fine when it’s obvious and unmistakably an over exaggeration. But when done too subtly, it has the potential to seem like a lie. For example, someone is trying to convince you of something and they say, “yeah, everyone feels this way” when in fact, only a few people do – that’s deceptive.

“Above all, my brothers, do not swear—not by heaven or by earth or by anything else. Let your "Yes" be yes, and your "No," no, or you will be condemned.” - James 5:12

A walk through Proverbs

2005-09-05T13:28:00.000-04:00

For the past month or so, I’ve been reading Proverbs for my devo. I wanted to post a small blurb about the verses that stuck to me at the end of each blog, but never got around to it until now (since I wake up every 2 hours, this is the 3rd night in a row and today I’ve been up since 7am). I’m in chapter 20 now, so to catch up, I’m simply going to write out the verses and not explain their significance to me unless it hit my like a football in the groin. (The bolded ones are the ones I want you to read if you don't feel like reading them all). There are some pretty wise quotes in Proverbs; you should read it also.

“My son, preserve sound judgment and discernment, do not let them out of your sight; they will be life for you, an ornament to grace your neck. Then you will go on your way in safety, and your foot will not stumble; when you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet.” - Proverbs 3:21-24

“Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. Put away perversity from your mouth; keep corrupt talk far from your lips. Let your eyes look straight ahead, fix your gaze directly before you. Make level paths for your feet and take only ways that are firm. Do not swerve to the right or the left; keep your foot from evil.” - Proverbs 4:23-27

“Do not rebuke a mocker or he will hate you; rebuke a wise man and he will love you. Instruct a wise man and he will be wiser still; teach a righteous man and he will add to his learning.” - Proverbs 9:8-9

“Be sure of this: The wicked will not go unpunished, but those who are righteous will go free.” - Proverbs 11:21

“One man pretends to be rich, yet has nothing; another pretends to be poor, yet has great wealth. A man's riches may ransom his life, but a poor man hears no threat.” - Proverbs 13:7-8

“Pride only breeds quarrels, but wisdom is found in those who take advice.” - Proverbs 13:10

“Where there are no oxen, the manger is empty, but from the strength of an ox comes an abundant harvest.” - Proverbs 14:10

“Stern discipline awaits him who leaves the path; he who hates correction will die.” - Proverbs 15:10

“A cheerful look brings joy to the heart, and good news gives health to the bones.” - Proverbs 15:30

“The fear of the LORD teaches a man wisdom, and humility comes before honor.” - Proverbs 15:33

“To man belong the plans of the heart, but from the LORD comes the reply of the tongue.” - Proverbs 16:1 ---> This one really made me think... probably because I didn’t understand it. But I did a little research and from what I found, this verse tells us how God instills His plans into our hearts with the Holy Spirit, but it is only through His power that it will be done.

“The LORD works out everything for his own ends— even the wicked for a day of disaster.” - Proverbs 16:4 ---> This was also a loud verse, mainly because I have struggles with fully depending on God. This verse reminded me of how He is in control of everything – despite all our failures and imperfections, He can still use us in His plans ... ~sigh~ I need to trust Him more...

“There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death.” - Proverbs 16:25 ---> Ah ha! This is why I am never certain about my decisions, because what may seem so right to me may not be what God wants me to do... I learned from an excellent exercise book (Experiencing God) that whenever God reveals His plans to you, He'll always confirm it through the Bible, prayer, the church, and your Christian community.

“Better a patient man than a warrior, a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city.” - Proverbs 16:32

“A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.” - Proverbs 17:22

“A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his own opinions.” - Proverbs 18:2

“The first to present his case seems right, till another comes forward and questions him.” - Proverbs 18:17 ---> You see, this is why I hate gossip. Things like this are so obvious, yet so unspoken... good ol’ Proverbs

“The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.” - Proverbs 18:21

“A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” - Proverbs 18:24 ---> this one made me tear...

“Laziness brings on deep sleep, and the shiftless man goes hungry.” - Proverbs 19:15

I’m sick...

2005-09-04T01:05:00.000-04:00

My symptoms:

Persistent cough
Due to the amount of coughing, I’m developing abdominal pain
Extremely painful soar throat (to the point where I tear just swallowing my saliva)
Occasional weakness (but that may be for today only because I played in a Korean softball tournament for 10 hours, living only on water, Poweraid, a bagel w/ nothing on it and a cheese bun)
Quickly change in temperature (I might be developing a fever...)
Tiredness

My main problem is the throat... I looked up some of my symptoms and I think it may be one of 4 things:

Strep Throat
Bronchitis
Cold or Flu
Pneumonia

Ugh... I feel like poo and look even worse... first the lump in my armpit and now this... Is God trying to tell me something? But to prevent any spreading and how I feel tomorrow, I might not attend church or the softball events I emailed people about... ~sigh~

Last night, I woke up at 5am coughing my brains out. I couldn't go back to sleep afterwards and basically rolled around and read the Bible until Brian called me at 8:30am about softball. this sucks. (KCSA softball was very fun, btw. We played 3 games, made it to the playoffs and lost to the only undefeated team by 2 runs)

Christian "sluts"

2005-09-02T01:16:00.000-04:00

I know I’m opening a HUGE can of worms with this post, but I’m ready to take the consequences if any of this is eye-opening to anyone. (Warning: vulgar language used, readers’ discretion is advised)

By the sheer title of being “Christian”, we’re assumed to be witnesses and people of Christ. We are warned that the world is watching us and that we need to be good examples of the people God intended us to be. Thus note: this entry is mainly aimed to the Christian denomination. Okay, here comes the fun part...

“Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in your brother’s way.” - Romans 14:13 (NIV)

Part 1: The Judge
We need to stop judging the book by its cover (although, more often than not, the cover does tell quite a bit of its content). To prevent any disputes over the technicalities in my wording, I’m just going to say what I mean. We need to stop judging people by what they wear. Just because girls wear clothing with small surface areas, doesn’t mean they sleep around.

Part 2: The “Slut”
From what I’ve been told, males are very visual; easily stimulated by what they see. Most of us female attention-whores know this piece of information. The problem occurs when we use it to our advantage and deliberately wear provocative items of clothing to satisfy our need for attention. Okay, I understand that being fashionable is important and the trend that’s set can be a determining factor as to what is worn. I also know that it can be quite hot outside and having funny tan-lines with certain clothing could be a “fashion faux pas.” BUT as Christian women, it’s our duty to first fulfill God’s request for us to NOT be stumbling blocks for our brothers. I’m not going to list the things you should or should not wear because I think if you were able to choose God and call yourself a Christian, you’re also able to choose what you wear sensibly.
“Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry.” - Colossians 3:5 (NIV)

Part 3: The Horny
Guys... you should know better, turn away. If you’re going clubbing or going somewhere where there are bound to be half naked chicks, you’re putting yourself in temptation... then it’s just a matter of how serious you take stumbling to be. What circumstances would you allow yourself to be placed in? That’s something you should figure out before you go exploring different strip joints. Only you know how much you can handle; only you can control your actions and thoughts; only you can draw the boundaries for yourself. Be mindful and intentional, it’s not always the girl’s fault.

----------------------
Romans 14 into perspective:

“Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification. Do not destroy the work of God for the sake of food. All food is clean, but it is wrong for a man to eat anything that causes someone else to stumble. It is better not to eat meat or drink wine or to do anything else that will cause your brother to fall.” - Romans 14: 19-21

I’m somewhat taking verse 13 out of context because they are literally talking about food in this chapter, but I feel the principles from these verses can be applied to what I talked about above. Feel free to agree or disagree, but I do urge you to leave a comment about your views on this matter.

showing my ID

2005-09-01T22:20:00.000-04:00

Most of you who know me, know I’m going through a slight identity crisis. I thought I was showing signs of improvement until I was recently told I should/need to change something about me... or what I think/thought was a part of who I am. I’m not going to state exactly what this characteristic is, but here’s the jist of it:

Everyone says, “You need to learn from your mistakes.”
If a mistake I made was hurting someone’s feelings, that means I need to learn from that experience and change whatever it is I did that hurt them, correct?
If that is the case, than does that mean I continuously change to please those around me? Most of us would disagree with that.

But tell me, where’s the flaw in this equation:
Mistake = learn + change
Mistake = Hurt feelings
Hurt feelings = learn + change

I know humans and human relationships are more complex than simple-minded formulas like the one above, but it baffles me to decipher what characteristics I should and shouldn’t change for the sake of other people’s wellbeing. It messes me up when people tell me to “just be real”, while at the same time being sensitive to those around me... especially when the two components conflict with one another.

I’ve talked to a few people about this problem and have acquired some new insight; it’s just a matter of time before I believe them...

Moments-o-Nicaragua:

2005-08-26T15:11:00.000-04:00

On our way there, I was randomly chosen to be thoroughly patted down by the custom’s officer... I’ve never been so violated in my life. Then, on the way back, I joked with Huston’s custom officer that I was bringing drugs... I got “X-Rayed”... NEVER joke with custom’s officers...
I’ve never been so captivated by nature’s beauty in my life.
Everywhere we went the sky looked like the backdrop of what Heaven would look like... gorgeous sunbeams, full rainbows, boldly silver-lined clouds... wow...
Esteli (the village we resided in) was in a valley, if you looked down any street – you would see the crisp green mountains in the background.
Stunning post-card-worthy waterfall... a bunch of us swam there too (I picked up some rocks with my toes from there for memories).
I LOVE THE SIMPLE LIFE; eat, sleep, work, and play on weekends. What we deem as “laborious” work feels more fulfilling to me... I can see exactly what my contribution is.
We were probably the only Oriental people in the entire country. We were also the first Chinese people many of the kids have seen. Can you imagine every single person on a busy street turning there heads to look at you? I can. Because it happened to us... practically everyday... o_O
Cultural dance lessons! I can’t just talk about this experience, I need to show you. ^_^ The get-together on our very last day with all the families and helpers was great! The love, that was so thorny to show through the language barriers, just poured out from each other’s sharing, actions, and dancing... good times.
Nightly devos – it’s amazing; the things I discovered about the team; what makes them frustrated, scared, stupid, useful/useless, feel like they’re being persecuted, why we’re on this trip, etc. I feel so much closer to them and thus I’m disappointed that I didn’t bother to learn more about the people around me before...
On the weekend, we went to Leon (another city 3 hours away from Esteli). Watching a lightning storm far away is the most memorizing sight ever! Norm can agree with that. Playing with the local kids was interesting, I’m not a big fan of kids, but these ones were so open and willing to play with anyone. I’ll have to teach some of you the games, they’re quite fun! ^_^

----------------

There are tons of stories and pictures to share, just let me know and I’ll be more than happy to share (although, many of the humorous stories you have to be there to think it’s funny). This was a great experience... I can understand why people say, "short-term missions is more helpful to those who go to serve, than to those being served." I recommend everyone to go on a short-term thing at least once in their life. It's worth it.

Would I go again? Without a doubt.

Here's to Friends

2005-08-04T16:45:00.000-04:00

I’m thankful for my friends,
When we talk or email or meet
Because we share our lives together
Just like family.

I’m thankful for their words,
I’m thankful for their hearts
We pray and sing and work together
Like efficient body parts.

I’m thankful for our silence
The moments pass soothingly
Not a word we need to speak
To enjoy our company.

I’m thankful for the laughs,
The tears and times we've shared
In their presence is all I need
To know that they still cared.

I’m thankful these people
God sent me from above
I’m thankful every single day
That I’m surrounded by so much love.

---------------------

Thank you for your words of encouragements, your advice, your prayers and support. I’m so blessed to be a friend to you who care about me and are so kindhearted; so sweet. I love you people so much that I tear sometimes to know how fortunate I am to be living today. I’ll probably never be able to truly show you all how much our friendship means to me, but let me tell you that I mean every word in this little poem and each of your have impacted my life (no mater how big or small) to shape the person I am now... that is worth more than anything the world has to offer. I’m happy to be alive.

You are my angels and my blessings. Thank you.

(And now, I can finally say, I’m ready to go to Nicaragua! YAY! (^_^)ö )

a weekend - a weekstart

2005-08-03T05:07:00.000-04:00

What an unforgettable Summer Conference...

Yes, many things have happened. Not just in my life, but many others (some I know, some I do not). I said it before and I’ll say it again: it’s funny how things work out.

Do you believe in coincidences? Luck? “Accidents”?

Although my answer changes every so often, at this current stage I’m in – I don’t.

Every little detail in the environment can have dramatic effects on a person’s course of life. It’s like looking for a star through a telescope; the slightest change in the telescope’s angle can move the view of the star millions light-years away from where it was seen. Maybe our lives aren’t as inflated as that analogy, but it’s generally an example of what I’m trying to say. This is why we need to be watchful in how we act, what we say and do to others... because you just never know the extent of its byproduct.

Everything happens for a reason... and as often as people say it, I seem to lose sight of that fact when things aren’t going my way. God is in full control of what’s happening. I just need to acknowledge this truth and allow Him to steer my life in the proper direction...

I was humbled over this weekend. And a note to everyone: please don’t gossip. If you would like to know how I feel about gossiping, please refer to my blog called “just be quiet” written in March... that’ll get your mojo going.

A $20 Journey

2005-07-26T00:57:00.000-04:00

It’s funny how things work out... okay, I started with $0.

Received $20 from red pocket money --> +$20
Bought 2 Old Navy t-shirts (1 for me, 1 for Alan) 2 for $20 --> -$20
Alan paid me back --> +$10
Bought dinner from Famosa --> -$5
Bought 2 Vita Lemon Tea juice boxes (1 for me, 1 for Neil) --> -$2.50

... to summarize, I only have $2.50 right now. This is where the neat things happen:

Went to a dinner at Albert L’s & Brian paid my share because I didn’t have enough $ --> $0
Brought lunch to church & ate dinner at home --> $0
Went to dinner w/ Jason & Jordan (today after meeting), Jason treated (but we’ll pay him back the next time around) --> $0
Was waiting for a bus after dinner, when a very tall white guy asked me for the time and if I had change for a $10 to take the bus. I gave him the $2.50 (exact amount for bus fare) --> -$2.50
He wanted to give me the $10 bill he had in exchange for my change, but I refused. He then took out a $1 American bill and tried to give it to me, but said I said not to worry and to simply do something nice for a stranger when he gets a chance (Pay it Forward!).
“I am from Europe and no one there is like this. You’re a very kind person, thank you.” --> priceless.

His comment made my day... yes, I’m at $0 again, but who knows what wonderful things this man can do when he’s in a good mood also. ^_^

take me on Your wings & fly

2005-07-25T16:43:00.000-04:00

Well, I’m leaving for Nicaragua soon (Aug 5, 4am)... and to be brutally honest, underneath the calm cool surface, I’m petrified inside!!

What if I screw something up?
What if I’m the cause of someone turning away from God?
What if I get lost or lose my luggage?
What if someone steals my passport?
What if someone gets hurt? Or worse, DIE?
What if someone gets sick or contracts a disease?
What if something happens on the flight?

... ugh... what if I’m not ready to go? What if it’s not my time to go on missions yet? How was it that I was so confident in this being God’s will for me before and now I’m swamped with doubt? Get away from me, Satan! STOP FILLING MY HEAD WITH UNCERTAINTY!

-------------

My uncle Francis on my dad’s side of the family pledged $100 cdn for me to go on this trip... as you have heard from previous blogs, I’m not super close to my dad’s side. I’m so encouraged to see him making an effort to support me... it gives me comfort that this may well be God’s will... but in the back of my mind, I sometimes wonder if doing this because he supports me and this trip, or if it is done out of guilt because this family had once deserted my nuclear family when we were having problems...
I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt. =o) Thank you, Uncle Francis.

waves of bitter water

2005-07-21T01:54:00.000-04:00

For those who visit my blog often:
The blog that had come and gone has done more harm than good, which explains its sudden disappearance. In my resentment, I wrote that blog for no better reason other than sheer selfish entertainment and attention. I shouldn’t have left it open to the public because the situation involved more than myself. My friends, thank you for your concern. I know it takes a lot of effort to ask me about certain sensitive topics. I realize how much damage a little venting could do...

Which brings me to the main point: Think before you speak.

That goes for me also, of course. This quote has been said everywhere and by everyone one point in time... but its simplicity may be the cause of its unsuccessfulness.
Who knows what ripples our words can cause in another’s tranquil surface?

My heart is breaking for any of you who I have hurt unknowingly... I’m so sorry... please tell me so I can change my ignorant ways.

hidden falsehoods

2005-06-27T20:52:00.000-04:00

About 3 months ago, I had started a book called Lies Women Believe (and the truth that sets them free) by Nancy DeMoss. Recently, I felt compelled to share some of these lies to you. I’m not going to list them all, but I will tell of the ones I once believed in and consumed me.

God’s ways are too restrictive
I need to learn to love myself
I can’t help the way I am
I should not have to live with unfulfilled longings
I can sin and get away with it
My sins aren’t really that bad
I am not fully responsible for my actions and reactions
I cannot walk in consistent victory over sin
I don’t have time to do everything I’m supposed to do
I can make it without consistent time in the Word and prayer
I can’t control my emotions

Most of these are gender neutral, I’d say. I still continue to struggle w/ some of them, but I feel like if I open up and share my guarded thoughts and beliefs, you can help me stay grounded in what’s true. Remember, these are LIES... if you feel they are true, analyze yourself and seek through God’s Word for authentic answers... it may be the devil’s foothold on you.

a simple story

2005-06-24T19:41:00.000-04:00

I was at TLT, when Janet asked me about missions.
I told her I wanted to go, but I have to ask for permission.
To serve in this way, was always a passion.
But by my mother’s refusal, plans are left for revision.
Lost ambition, poor reasons,
I’m 20 years old, I need to make my own decisions!

So that same night, I joined Habitat for Humanity
Nicaragua is the place, to build houses for families
That was destroyed by Hurricane Mitch, back in the late 1990’s
And they are still recovering, due to the lack of money,
Unstable economy and forced poverty.

I made this commitment, without consulting with mother
I had to wait a few days, before I could even tell her
I was afraid of what she’d say, because I knew this would bug her.
But I felt this time may be different; maybe God made her softer.
So on Sunday, I decided to tell her
And the reaction expressed that, I did more than just bug her.

She said, “Julie-ah, le goa ga-ting sui-yeew nae
(Julie, this family needs you)
Deem-gie nae yew zuaw, loui see-see bong yun-day?
(Why do you need to go to always help others?)
Ngoa yew lay, deem-gie na mm lay?
(I need you, why don’t you care?)
Ngoa yerng zoa nae ya-neen, hie-mm-hie ngoa sai sie ngoa sum-gae?
(I raised you for 20 years, was I wasting my time?)
Nae hie-mm-hie sai sie ngoa sum hoot, ngoa hie-mm-hie jun hie yerng choa nae?
(Are you going to waste my sweat and blood? Am I going to regret having you?)"

I was so heartbroken by her words that pierced me
She wouldn’t even listen and kept cutting me off rudely.
With tears in my eyes, I shut the door behind me.
In my room I stayed, in confusion that overwhelmed me.
There was nothing else to do, but to trust god fully,
So I opened my Bible & saw James 1:19-20.
It told me to “be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”
I thought, “This is crazy, He’s speaking to me!”
So I kept reading, every verse earnestly...

Man, did God show himself, though I expected much less
And it was only a few verses down; God was quicker, I guess.
It said to “look after orphans and widows in their distress”
I mean, what more can He say, to tidy this mess?
I must confess, I must stress,
That this test of faith was a challenging success

I know this missions trip, is my calling
But to go without mom’s blessing, can leave me bawling
And although this issue, is still resolving
My impatience is kicking, it seems like God is stalling
To change my mom’s heart and grant her understanding...
But I know everything comes, in God’s perfect timing.

---------
Note to readers:
TLT = The Lord's Table = a student-run weekly sandwich-run group.
I wrote this in one night and some wording could've been better.
What my mom said was in Cantonese (sorry, I can't write in Chinese).
The above situation happened almost a month ago and currently, things did work out and now my mom is okay with me going to Nicaragua! YAY! =o)

hear me ROAR

2005-06-06T00:53:00.000-04:00

Today was the ETCBC softball tournament. It was FUNTASTIC! My team consisted of: Tracy, May, Ankie, Steve, Alan, John, Will, Keith, me and our leader, Matt. Although we were 0-4, I had such a great time! Most of the people I just met today, but just being able to get to know and play with these people is an awesome experience in itself.

I love the Lions.
We’ve had our rocky moments and are currently in some rough waves now, but I think it’s the people that make CCSA a worthwhile affair. I’m so excited to spend time with this group that I stay awake at night, trying to think of activities we can do together... yes, lame, I know. Those who aren’t coming out as much are totally missing out on how remarkable each personality is. It seems like we’ve been friends for so long, but in actual fact, we’re practically acquaintances...

Some of these ideas include:

BBQs galore!
Paintball night! (with possibly Illuminate players also)
Video games adventure day! <-- bringing TV’s and game systems to someone’s house to
have the ULTIMATE GAMING CHALLENGE!
Beach Day!
Bowling Tournament!
CRANIUM competition!
Mini track and field day! (other teams have the option of joining)
Playing non-softball sports! E.g. Volleyball, Basketball, Ultimate Frisbee, Football, etc.
Cooking dinner together!
Rented Movies Marathon!
Possible over-night event?

Technically, these ideas can be used with any group. So, feel free to take these suggestions and use it to its fullest potential! I urge you to do so! ^_^

your needs above my own

2005-06-05T15:15:00.000-04:00

I can’t tell you how amazing it feels to be a part of God’s family... Life feels so warm and so comforting. I’m so terribly blessed with all the people God’s put in my life (Christian and non-Christian); it seems like I could do so much more for them! How can you express the love and thanks to those around you, who have taken part to shape the person you are today?
Mere words, I feel, aren’t enough.

Friendship, to me, goes so much deeper than surface-conversations and hanging-out. There’s selflessness – putting the other person’s needs above your own; honesty – no hidden motives, no need to “swear” something is true, no lying; sacrifice – dropping whatever it is you’re doing when they need you; patience & forgiveness – everyone screws up, misunderstands, is stubborn, gets defensive at one point in time, how long does it take to pardon their actions? Empathy – rejoice when you rejoice, weep when you weep, understanding & compassion; Acceptance – even with our imperfections (not tolerance, since tolerance implies “settling” for something other than what you want); Support – not agreement... knowing the other person is there for you whether or not they concur with what you’re doing (other than sinning <- don’t support that)...

Underlying all of that is love. Love Love Love. A simple word with a complex and subjective definition.

Why do I love Jesus? Because He has done all the above and has gone the extra mile for me. The real question is, how can I NOT love Him?

I want to be all of that and more to my friends and family... but as the old saying goes, “Actions speak louder than words.”

--------------------

Jog Progress Report:

I RAN THE 10K WITHOUT STOPPING!! 64 min was my time... and though it's slower than a lot of ppl, my goal was completed. From running 11 minutes to 64 minutes; goes to show that anything is possible (with a little sweat and motivation from a good friend). ^_^

2005-05-19T03:43:00.000-04:00

So I haven’t blogged in a while... mainly because I’ve been super busy w/ stuff, like school, fellowship stuff, vball, outings, etc. Since the last time I blogged, I did activities I have never done before! Things like:

Rock climbing
Latin dancing lessons
Clubbing with the vball team
Jogging on the Boardwalk
Played 1st base for softball
Hung out w/ Monday-night vball guys
Paintballing
Went to a pub w/ a big group of church peeps
“Swimming” at the Manulife Centre Goodlife w/ Asako
Played indoor beach vball
Went to YukYuk’s

Good times...
------------
Jog Progress Report:
I RAN 10.2 K ON THE TREADMILL!! It took me 68 minutes of straight running.
On a different day, I jogged from my house to the Food Basic’s @ V.P/Sheppard and back again.
As for my outdoor report:
Through intense measuring of my neighbourhood on MapQuest, I discovered that I’m only running a little less than 3K before I can’t go any further. That takes me a good 25 minutes to do.

relieved

2005-04-20T02:45:00.000-04:00

I knew the lump was one of the 3... thank God it wasn’t #3. It was an enflamed lymph node! It was most likely caused by shaving and bacteria got under my skin, thus making the lymph node swell. Gross, eh? But apparently it’s somewhat common... it’s supposed to go away in a week or 2. o_O

I went to jog with Will J at the beaches today! First time there only to jog. It was great; there were so many people (of all ages) simply jogging and being active... makes me want to be healthier. =o)

--------
Jog Progress Report:
5 minutes of a light warm-up jog, then stretched.
10 minutes regular jog, and then walked 5 minutes,
2 minutes of fast jog, then walked for 5 minutes.

even giants fall

2005-04-18T00:39:00.000-04:00

What’s worse than discovering a bruise on your body, that got there without you knowing? ... I’ll tell you what's worse... discovering a lump.

This morning in the shower, I found a lump in my right armpit. IN – not on.
It’s like the size of a pea, it’s hard and it doesn’t hurt. You can’t see it if I were to just lift my arm, but you can definately feel it.

I’m getting it checked out on Tuesday at a walk-in clinic. Mother said it should be nothing, but as much as I respect her and hope she’s right, how does she know?

From what I’ve learned, I think it could be 1 of 3 things:

a clogged &/or swollen sweat gland
an enflamed lymph node
cancer

If you have time, please pray for this... I know I shouldn't be, but I’m scared...
-_-"

not pedophilic tendencies

2005-04-16T03:46:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, my volleyball team (THE COURT JESTERS! WOOT!) took me out for drinks and eats at Fox & the Fiddle. Good times, might I say. Would it surprise you if I said I was the youngest one? What if I said, 2 of them are 4 years older than I and the other 3 are 7 years older? Sounds a little more unusual, doesn’t it? I’m 20, they’re 27... when they were 20, I was 13 (but obviously, I didn't know them at the time)...

I’ve played with these people for almost 2 years now and I still can’t get over that fact... but if I’ve learned anything from these people, it's that friendship is only skin deep if age is a distinguishing feature. I learned that no matter how old or how young some people are, as long as their personalities match; it’s all good. What is age, but the time spent since leaving a mother’s womb? It doesn’t always determine how someone acts or thinks... though most believe that everyone hits “maturity” in their mid 20’s, than their lives are only busied with their career, independence, and (present/future) family.

That’s not the case, I imagine. It’s like, when I was 16 and anxiously looking forward to losing the “girl” title and becoming a 19 year old “woman”... and than being hopelessly disenchanted when I realized it felt like I was still 16. AND THEN realizing I look exactly the same now as I did then... man, that is a real heartbreaker... where are my C-cup boobs?! *ha ha* (I’m only half kidding, btw... *heh heh… huh... >_<)

Anyway, the moral of the story is: don’t do drugs.

-----------
Jog Progress Report:
I jogged for 11 minutes, 7 minutes @ 5 km/h and 4 minutes @ like 3 km/h.
It was a lot easier! Symptoms:
Ear ache (from wind), slightly light-headed for a short while...
10K Run, HERE I COME!
^_^

R.I.P: adipose tissues

2005-04-14T16:41:00.000-04:00

Say goodbye to:

XL bowls of Pho
4 double-cheese burgers in one sitting
3 jr bacon cheese burgers
Getting my money’s worth at buffets
Ice cream for breakfast
Extra buttery potato goods
Bumming around on nice-weathered days...

BECAUSE yesterday, I heard my most dreaded comment I had tried to avoid my whole life... and it came from Brian’s mom... on my birthday...

(Translated from Cantonese to English:)

"WA! Julie-a, did you get fatter?"

AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! IT’S TRUE!! IT’S ALL FREAKIN’ TRUE!! I DID!!!! MAMA NOOOO!!! -_-"

My face is a little rounder; my muscles are a little softer; my pants, a little tighter... and the scale that never lies... DANG IT!!!!! All those days, gently stepping on the scale (thinking it wouldn’t go as high if I did so), fooling myself to believe that I didn’t gain THAT much weight... has been SLAPPED AWAY WITH REALITY’S CALLOUS HANDS!! WHACK!!
“…hey guys, look over there... there goes my dignity...”

My action plan of summer 2005:
I’m going to run the Nike 10K run (May 29)... non-stop. My new training schedule is to (try to)run 20 minutes a day, at least 3 times a week.

I know you kind-hearted souls out there will try to tell me I’m not fat or I don’t need to lose weight, BUT please don’t do it – don’t tell me. This, technically speaking, is also a healthy living issue. And, also, I don’t take comments about my physical appearance well (positive or negative)... so if you want to help, just pray that I won’t lose my motivation.

As often as it’s affirmed through media; a women’s self-esteem, is directly proportional to their self-worth which is constructed by the amount/type of criticism on their weight and appearance. This isn’t true for many women these days, but I confess that I do have this problem. I can’t take criticism; complements make me prideful, insults make me distraught. What else is there to do than to not say anything at all...

-------------
Jog Progress Report:
Today, I ran for 9 minutes, about 4 km/h & walked the rest of the 11 minutes.
I practically passed out by the end of it – symptoms:
Light headed, saw black spots (for about a minute), numb legs (3 minutes), aching eardrums due to wind (8 minutes), tough time inhaling (5 minutes), chest pains (2 minutes)

about blogging

2005-04-10T03:15:00.000-04:00

I probably sound like a very depressed, short-termpered pessimist according to the way I sound on my blog...

Don't mean to scare you; I'm not usually like this. In fact, 95% of the time I'm in LaLa Land; laughing my brains out with bunnies and sunflowers.

I just feel that stories are more entertaining for the readers when the author is at the very climax of their emotional state. i.e. enraged, ecstatic, miserable, etc. That's why I usually blog sporadically about things that really impact me (or things I feel compelled to share). So, I hope it doesn't seem like I'm yelling at you all the time... because I'm only doing it occasionally, when it really matters at the time. You're my ventilation system!

So now you may be thinking, "Who is she talking to when she refers to 'you'?!"

*heh* ... wouldn't you like to know... O_O

O

2005-04-09T03:54:00.000-04:00

The Oracles…
What comes to mind when you think of this team?
That they’re “hardcore”? “Snobby”? “Over competitive”? “Only cares about winning”? Something along that line?

Well, let me tell you that I know what it’s like to be an Oracle firsthand and I can tell you that you’re all wrong. People (Christians and non-Christians alike) judge us so negatively when they are too close-minded to see past rumors and lies. What have you seen beyond the playing field?
Have you seen that we all go out to eat and chill during the week and after games?
Have you seen the msn conversations between players out of the softball?
Have you seen the closeness and the bonds that were formed and left unbroken after the season has ended?
Have you seen the tears, the sharing; the love that was poured out after our last game?

People have said we stack out team every year. Their proof is how everyone plays well. But did it ever occur to them that the reason is because players WANT to learn and coaches WANT to teach them? There are so many players who have never touched a softball, but because they wanted to learn and they tried their best, they looked like they can play. Oracles don’t ask us to be superstars. They don’t ask us to even have experience. All the Oracles want is for every player to try their best. Make an effort; to make games, practices, outings, but more importantly, make an effort to know each other.

My memories (most recent season):
- I remember talking to Steve O online before I even met him. He was so fun to talk to and we added each other to all these online communities and stuff.
- The 5 girls – Allison, Bernice, Sam, Judy and I – would do these only-girls hang out times to watch movies and for dinners and stuff.
- There were nights when all the people at practice would time each other to see how long it takes for each person to run from home plate to 1st base
- Matt had his pants fly off while he was running... he was THAT fast. = )
- Joe had iced tea split on him when we were at Swiss Chalet
- Everyone wanted to bat all the time in practices and we’d try to go until we absolutely couldn’t.
- Sam asking to be drilled; tossing balls quickly at her & her running around to catch them
- Judy willingly making all those little candy packages for all the teams we played
- Dan making up a cheer for us to “Jump! Jump!” and tossing Thumper around

How I’ve changed?
- I learned that a group of strangers can become family in the span of 2 months
- I came to realize that no matter how many times people say they “don’t judge by appearances”, they don’t truly know until they’re your friend.

Every year I was an Oracle, this team wasn’t just a team; it was family. MY family. Say what you will about us, but until you become an Oracle yourself, everything you say are just assumptions.

you wonder why

2005-03-22T17:21:00.000-05:00

i think someone's true colours show when they are in the midst of their problems with you. how do you handle your problems? i forget them. it's scary how easily i can forget milestone problems that have occurred in my life... it's easy to do when someone has been doing that their whole life. forgetfullness CAN be practiced; it can be trained and mastered.

do you think you really know me?

i don't think you do.

because if you did, you may not want to be my friend... how much of this can you take? before you become so disappointed and frustrated with me, until a friend is lost? how much of me, not learning from my mistakes, can you take? how many unintentional "lies" can you handle? how many times of it appearing like i don't care, can you tolerate?

do you understand me?
do you accept me?

do you forgive me?

i'm sorry, i'm trying...