the funniest Comedian

is God. Quit playing games with my heart, Man. Too many tests makes Julie crazy... not sure if I'm at the same level as Job. (Although... If I were God, screwing around w/ the situation I'm in would be pretty hilarious.)

living on the edge... not.

I have a fear of rejection and it's ruining the person I think/thought I am/was.

Bam.

You know what the kicker is about rejection? It's the fact that a piece of you gets lost in the self-inflected vulnerability and that piece is irrecoverable. Gone - forever. And that to me sucks big time. I like the person I think I am... and a lot of that has to do with the level of confidence that allows me to be genuine in front of others. People act and think differently before they get rejected and act/think even more differently afterwards. So, when there's a potential for rejection, backing-off immediately to avoid the risk of losing one's identity seems to be natural, right?

Potential Rejection --> Avoidance --> Get over it --> Not Rejected --> Happiness

Being a risk avoider has its benefits, especially when a logic-dominant person like myself is faced with emotions. Stupid emotions. They don't make any sense and they fluctuate constantly without reason and yet, so many people (myself included on occasion) make life-changing decisions based solely on them. Stupid.

So anyway, I'm currently in the Pre-Potential Rejection phase. The risk: to-break or not-to-break the “we're just friends” code... the “I have a crush on a friend but I don't want to risk losing the friendship so I'm just not going to act on these so-called feelings and get over it.” Let the record show (again as I've said it before on this blog), that I have NEVER come close to liking a close friend. Ever. The reason why I say I'm Pre-Potential is because this strange attraction is so foreign, so weird and awkward that... the idea of me even being attracted to a buddy freaks the shit out of me and thus it's difficult for me to decipher if it's even a crush at all! Maybe it's nothing. Maybe I'm just feeling the effects of everyone around me hooking up and getting married and having kids and that this dude would be a good catch. I don't know...

At this point, I just want someone to tell me he likes someone else or that he will only ever see me as a platonic friend. Just say it... just tell me that's how it is. Save me the trouble of trying to get over whatever it is I'm feeling and just strip me of any hope for something more. I don't want it... I don't want false hope... I don't want to over-analyze small encounters... I don't want to risk the friendship and I don't want things to change.

Our friendship is so good... too good to take the risk and mess it up because of stupid feelings. I guess at the end of the day, I'm happier not knowing what it could've been...