naked man alert

My sleeping patterns have not been so wonky since university days; sleeping at dusk, waking up after lunch, taking naps randomly throughout the day, getting up only to pee and then go back to bed. So now it's almost 3am and I get this exhilarating idea to write about 2009 while in the washroom... and here I am – on blogspot. (Btw, the washroom seems to be the vicinity with my highest volume of great epiphanies and life-changing convictions.)

After a little time of reflection, I'm reminded that I am a person with minimal memories. It would make sense if the doctor dropped me at birth seeing how there's a slight malfunction in my neocortex. I have one word for that doctor: lawsuit.

Nevertheless, I now have to look to other sources for what happened to me in this past year... so this pointless blog entry is basically saying: stay tuned for another post about Julie's perhaps-not-so-memorable 2009 year! ... hum... that's not a convincing way to bring back my readers...

Let's go the media route and do the whole “sex sells” thing by putting up a lovely picture and say in big bold letters:

In my next blog entry, THE SENSORS WILL BE REMOVED!! As I'm sure you're all curious to see this man's beautiful... eyes...

define "bad"

In case you didn't hear – I had a bad day today... it stemmed also from a not-so-good night seeing how I stupidly broke my buddy's ear piece and I was feeling pretty stupid.

Basically, I was good up until 2:45pm. My colleague asked me to help him bring the decorations back from our company Christmas party back to the office. He got stuck doing some volunteering w/ the Care Committee as there were last minute cancels. Thus I agreed.

To make a long story short, after loading the company car from the banquet hall – literally 2 min on the road, I get pulled over for speeding. 81 in a 60. My first speeding ticket. I've only ever had 2 tickets in my life, this was number 2.

Anyway, we get back to the office and as I squat down slowly to put the fragile glass centrepieces on the ground, I rip my pants. Oh yes, the kind of rip that goes straight up the croch and out the back. Yes, make fun of me, I had a good laugh too.

Being the smart girl I am, I took my white cardigan and tied it around my waist. Just like we did back in the highschool days. What I didn't know was that I had cut my hand on something... and I end up getting blood all over it. Good news is that it wasn't cotton, so the blood stain came out well. Yay.

Seeing how the day was sucking, I decided to make myself feel better by putting up the Christmas tree at home. Prior to this day, I was pretty set on not putting it up at all. Anyway, I needed some Christmas songs to brighten the spirit... I got the dust off my old radio, flipped the power button and *silence*... my radio was broken. Got the laptop out, turned on the online radio and it was smooth sailing...

until I test out the Christmas lights... and half of the white ones didn't work. With what was left of these white lights, not half the tree could've been covered. What's a Christmas tree w/out lights? Just a Christmas tree w/out lights, but I was determined to get some glowing action. I pulled out the tacky colourful dollar-store-bought lights from decades ago and tested them... success! There were 5 strands of these colourful lights, just enough to make it look full.

For the past few years, our tree was this sleek, red and silver-themed work of art. The lights were all white and everything on it was from Ikea (therefore, it must be cheap and contemporary)... now with these tiny colourful it-will-burn-your-hand lights, the tree looks like it did back in my elementary school days...

I kinda like it. =)

Bliss not of ignorance

On a scale of 1 to 10, I think I'm a 9... you know, in terms of happiness with life, that is.

More recently, I've been thinking about why that is. Sure, I can cop-out the Christian answer and say, “It's 'cause I know Jesus and He loves me... that's why I'm happy!” ... but really, there's gotta be more to it than that, right? Other Christians should be just as stoked about life too! Unfortunately, from what I've heard, that's not always the case. So what makes me different?

It's come to my attention that I have abnormally low expectations on people. Boyfriends, family members, mentors, teachers/profs, friends, small group... it doesn't phase me too much when things don't work out.

“Water under the bridge! Life moves on! Live & learn,” exclaims Julie!

Is this a good thing or a bad thing? ... I don't know.

PROS

• The volume of disappointments have definitely decreased.
• I'm not upset for extended periods of time.
• Dwelling on things doesn't happen often.
• When people exceed these expectations, I'm super happy! It's like a bonus!
• There aren't too many people on my “bad side.”
• I'm generally not easily offended.
• Good sleep all the time.

CONS

• The impression that I don't care is frequent.
• People are often offended when they figure out how low my expectations are on them.
• My memory is shot. (Because I don't dwell, I forget quickly – almost like cramming for an exam)
• Problems repeat themselves recurrently since I don't remember it happened.

As I type these bullet points, I can't help but feel like this is a very selfish way to live... at the same time, I simply can't help it! Why get hopes up when so many people are just going to disappoint? What happened to commitment and integrity and just blatant honesty?! Humans – myself included – are simply not reliable these days. I'm so pessimistic when it comes to finding a reliable friend, I make me sick. If you have a truly reliable friend; hold onto 'em for dear life because he/she is an endangered specie! Man, how depressing this whole entry is... please someone, prove me wrong! Shut me up!

I guess this is why I'm happy being a Christian – God is the unchanging, unconditionally loving, always present, unfailing, genuinely caring Lord of Everything... and He proved it by giving us His Son Jesus. Thank you, YHWH.

sperm + egg

About 10 hours ago, Theo Gah Bo Tang was born.

He is the offspring of the couple who were the first in my age group to get married and the first to have a child together. Alex and Elly – you guys still amaze me to this day. Congratulations!! =)

As much as I hate to admit this, Theo also makes me feel like I'm getting old. I'm starting to wonder how my eggs are gonna hold out and whether or not a few of them will ever be “hitched”. Am I ever going to have kids? Will he/she be healthy? Am I going to be a good mom?

You're probably thinking I'm too young to be thinking about these things... but I can't help but wonder what my future holds. We humans do fear the unknown. It gives me the shivers to think there is a chance that myself or my husband will be infertile. (I don't believe in jinxing, if you haven't noticed.) I mean, sure, it's not a first date kinda question... but would it be too harsh to say it may affect the longevity of the relationship?

I can just imagine the conversation now...

"BTW *insert name here*, I know we've only been on a few dates... but let's be honest, we don't want to be wasting each others' time if we're not “the One” for each other, right? So I need to know if your boys are workin'. You know, if things work out and we wanna have kids... you DO want to have kids right? How many? What gender(s)? Have you thought of names yet? Anyway, have you gotten this sorta thing checked out? No? What do you mean you're only ___ years old – that's old enough to get this checked! .......... Hey - wait a minute - where you going?! I'm not done!! I HAVE A FEW MORE QUESTIONS!!!" (End Scene)

Man, that's so not sexy.

I'll think about this later.

grandma

At around 2:30pm today, my mom calls my cell at work and says,

Mom – Julie... you're not going anywhere tonight... are you? *sniffs

me – well, I was going to go to volleyball like I do every Friday night. Why? What's up?

Mom – your poa-poa is in the hospital... I want you to go visit her with me...

It's been a while since I felt my heart break like that... a literal sense of something gripping your chest to the point where breathing normally seems to be a little more difficult. My mom doesn't cry in public, so I know when she's sniffing, it's serious. My poa-poa is my grandma on mom's side. She and gong-gong (grandpa) pretty much raised my siblings and I from birth to the end of elementary school back in East York. I love my poa-poa... she says I'm her favourite. =)

Mom had mentioned to me yesterday briefly that poa-poa fell outside, but she assured me that said it wasn't serious. When I went to the hospital today, she seemed okay. My aunt was there and had been there overnight as requested by the patient. I could see in her blood-shot eyes that she was tired and had cried some time before we got to the hospital.

Apparently, my grandma went through a couple hours of an extreme headache that caused her to feel nauseated, made the room spin and the walls seemed to want to crash down onto her. According to my aunt, she was yelling things like it was going to be her last day alive, that the heavens will have to take her life and that she can't stand the suffering here. It was after this incident that she called my mom and thus, mom called me.

While we were there, poa-poa seemed to be doing well: semi-energetic and talkative. She laughed at my jokes and nodded in approval when I told her my work softball team were the champions, it made me happy. =) (I thought this was a funny pic of her - taken probably 7-8 years ago, but she looks the same)

As the 4 of us were talking, the topic of boyfriend came up (go figure). She knew someone from HK who just finished grad school in Toronto and she wanted me to meet him and blah blah blah. I couldn't be too sarcastic with her, so I basically made it come down to: Is he taller than me? Knowing he was from HK, I sorta knew the answer already. HA – dodged the bullet; he was shorter than I! Then they started talking about so-and-so's son that's single or that family friend that is looking for a daughter-in-law, or that guy who is quite handsome, etc etc.

I couldn't escape.

Eventually, I changed the topic... but really... sigh... must it always go back to Single Aging Julie needs a husband? =/

The drive home was quite pleasant. All my childhood memories came back... I remember the days when I was a fat kid who tortured bugs in the backyard all day, walked around Taylor Creek Park with the family, played with rocks and Ninja Turtle figurines... I remember when poa-poa would pick me up from school and everyday I would ask her to buy pizza from Diamond Pizza for me. She did twice of the millions of times I asked. It killed my bro and sis when she said I was such a good child and that they should be as nice as me. Suckers. Little did she know though...

Anyway, it was a good visit. She will be there for a few more days, I think.

For those who believe in God, please pray for her... for those who don't, please pray also as I think God will hear you too. =) Thanks

Goodbye Mr. Perfect

Back to anti-relationship mode.

... what was I thinking?! o_O

Hello Mr. Perfect

Today, a friend (who's name I won't disclose as I didn't get their permission to “expose” them on a public domain) and I had an in depth conversation about relationships, desired traits of our signification others and non-negotiable attributes... amongst other things... and I realized something just an hour ago: as much as I say I'm not looking to be in a relationship, I am looking! This is the point where my best friend would respond in an outlandish way, “JULES - NOOOOOO!!!”

Maybe it was the baby shower; maybe it was the quiet reflective drive back home; maybe it was the sappy songs I played over and over again on my cell; or maybe the fact that all my peers are dating/engaged/married... or maybe I just finally stopped lying to myself: I think I want to be in a relationship? Indeed, my realization is in question form. Who knows, I may switch back to anti-relationship-mode tomorrow... you know how it is with us insecure-about-relationship-types. One day we're skimming our facebook for single/not-so-bad-looking guy friends which of whom you mysteriously want to contact after months (or in some cases; years) of silence – the next day we're gagging at every couple we see holding hands and rolling-eyes at any person who says they have a friend who they think you may be interested in...

Seriously though, who am I trying to kid? Everyone woman wants someone to want them. Sure, that doesn't necessarily mean you need to be in a relationship to fulfil that “want”, but it does provide HUGE peace of mind that someone out there actually does want us... and he'll tell you that through his words and actions everyday. Doesn't that just melt your heart? Isn't that just beautiful? .... Man, I'm turning into such a sap! Someone please slap me!

Perhaps it will do me/us good if I listed out all the reasons why I shouldn't/can't be in a relationship now... get my head straight:

1. My schedule is packed 6-days/a wk and a month in advance... day and night... and I'm unwilling to change any of the commitments I already made to “fit” the BF in. It's almost selfish of me to ask him to conform to my agenda just so we can see each other!
2. I have extremely low expectations on people. It's good and bad, I guess. Good because it wouldn't phase me much if he suddenly cancelled our date, showed up late, didn't call one night, forgot my birthday, or forgot our anniversary, etc. Bad because ... well, it doesn't seem like I care? I think I do care, but I just don't know how to express it well? I'm still figuring this out.
3. Picky Julie. The man needs to be perfect or darn near close to it for me to give even a second glace or the time of day for small talk.
4. It's difficult for me to see what's driving this sensation of wanting to be hitched. Is it society? Is it natural human desire? Is it mom, friends, celebrities, media influencing me? Understanding why I am the way I am is important to me so when I don't know what's going on upstairs, I usual refrain from executing those feelings. I don't understand emotions. o_O
5. I was just kidding about #3. Perfection doesn't exist... gotta be realistic. We need obviously need to mould them into the person we want them to be. Haha (j/k again!)
6. My so-called “celebrity crushes” are either out of my league or – due to external factors – are untouchable. Can't be wondering around forbidden territory, right? Most of the good ones are already taken or are in the minds/hearts of another friend... and according to The Relationship Code of Conduct: Thou shall not tap he who is crushed-on by your fellow sister (without her permission and blessings).

I'll stop there. Anything else I list will be a bi-product of my strange perception of what dating/courting ought to be.

Just for kicks, I'm going to list my non-negotiable traits my man must have (if you believe you have more than 95% of these characteristics, please drop me a line... or eat a slice of humble pie!! haha j/k):

• 100% biologically male
• Christian & cares about his spiritual well-being
• Great sense of humour
• Good conversationist (therefore, also a good listener)
• Confident
• Honest to the bone: no white lies, no sugar coating, clear sarcasm/over-exaggerations/jokes... e.g. if you're having a bad day, and I ask how you're doing, and you say “fine.” To me, that's a lie. If you don't want to talk about it, just say so! =)
• Outgoing and sociable. Sorry, I can't babysit you at a party.
• Cares about the greater good (nothing's hotter than seeing a guy enthusiastically volunteering somewhere)
• Same maturity level as me
• Not lazy
• Family oriented and respects their elders
• Talks out their problems when it happens (i.e. Not bottling things up and then exploding with a million small things that put you over the top) and knowing when an issue just needs to be slept on and talked out the next day when emotions calm down.
• Stoked about life! No one wants a debbie-downer-party-pooper who just wants to vent and complain all day long about whatever. Suck it up, let it go, and enjoy the things you do have! Life is GOOD! =)
• and of course, absolutely gorgeous

Okay Mr. Perfect – come to Julie! =)

Side note: I lost my silver belt today. If you see it, please let me know. o_O It should be around ETCBC somewhere... =(

Summer Conference - Day 1: all smiles

Finally have time to document my summer conference experience! Eons from now, when we’re all wearing silver attire, I’ll look back at this glorious weekend. =)

DAY 1: PRE SUMMER CONFERENCE (Fri., July 31, 2009)

@ approx 7:45am (in Cantonese, on the bus)
Mom – Julie-ah, why don’t you invite me to your events?
Julie – what’re you talkin’ about?
Mom – you’re leaving this weekend and you didn’t invite me...
Julie – O_O” oh, I didn’t know you wanted to go... You know it’s a church-thing, right?
Mom – yeah, I’ll go, have some fun... but I need to come home Sunday afternoon because I have a party to go to that night.
Julie – we’re leaving tmw, let me see what I can do about the ride and accommodations for you... just to confirm, you’re not kidding around, right?! You seriously wanna come???
Mom – let me get back to you... call me at 1pm...

@ approx 9:10am (just booted up my comp @ work)
I emailed...
- Dawn (conf admin) to ask about the registration, cost and room situation
- Albert (my ride) to give her a ride to the conference
- Ronald (the only person coming back on Sunday) to give her a ride back to T.O
- Level 2 (small grp) for massive prayers
- Joanne and Cavina (mentor & mentee) for massive prayers

@ approx 11:00am (still have yet to do any work...)
After slowing down our network w/ all my emails bouncing everywhere, I discovered many things. Amazing things. For example:
1. Yes, we can accommodate her for the conf @ a lower cost since she’s only there for 2 days
2. The only room available was the room attached to mine because that person (Leanne) couldn’t make it to the conf until Sunday
3. Ronald & wife (whose name escapes me), not only can give her a ride back, but they’re also a part of the Conto congregation, thus they can have potentially great conversation in the car!
4. Albert moved around his ride situation to accommodate my mom


@ approx 1pm (I called the mom...)
Julie – Wai? It’s Julie... so have you decided whether or not you’re going to come? You have a room next to mine, a ride there and back on Sunday, and everything is good to go.
Mom – okay, I’ll come.
Julie – REALLY?! Don’t be playin’ me, woman. You’re seriously coming??
Mom – YES!
Julie – ^__^ YYAAAAYYYY!! Okay, we’ll pack tonight – it’s only 1 night! YAY - I’m so happy!
Mom – okay, now go back to work. You’re going to get me in trouble. Bye!
Julie – YYYAAAAAYYY!!! BYE!! =)

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As you can see, this was a pretty happy day for me. Everything fit perfectly like O.J’s glove. During the conference was something else... especially since I sat in with the Canto congregation all 3 days. It was wonderful! A lot of insights; a lot of learning; a lot of fun... to say the least. I’d like to think that I’ve changed. Day2 blog to come.

In honour of this momentous day, I made-up a (not very good) riddle while sitting on the crapper:

What is something that, when there is more of it, becomes less of what it is? In other words: the nature of it changes – almost depreciates - when it’s more plentiful...
.
.
.
.
Answer: A coincident.

nothing wise

It’s about 1am... I’m extremely tired from vball practice and a little delirious, so what better time to vent than now?

I’m sick of relationships.

The kind that other people have with another person and they stick the word “significant” in front so everyone else can be the lesser-kinda “other”. I’ve rolled my eyes enough recently to strain a brain muscle. Maybe that’s why I’m all bitter? ... no, maybe not bitter, just aggravated.

Have you ever had someone tell you stuff like:
- that sports will make you a manly, thus no man will want you
- spend more time at home or else you’ll lose the value of having a family, which is what every wise woman must aspire towards
- don’t build a 2nd level to the deck outside because the kids will fall?
- drink this, eat that, do this so you can be beautiful and desired
- don’t focus so much on more schooling because women don’t have to be so smart
- why don’t you date, Julie – are you a lesbian?
- why isn’t anyone going after you – what’s wrong with your male friends
- lower your standards before you get too old to have kids
- you’re too tall, stop wearing non-flat shoes, how are you going to find a Chinese husband if you’re so much taller than him
- all my friends sons and daughters are settling down, why are you embarrassing me... etc... etc...

I basically hear variations of this stuff EVERYDAY. Worst of all, THIS HAPPENS ON THE TTC... during rush hour... usually packed with ppl WHO UNDERSTAND WHAT THE HECK MY MOM IS SAYING. GAHHHH!!!

SERENITY NOW!! SERENITY NOW!!!!

How do you expect me to focus on anything else when the most important person in my life is smearing my face with all this you-should-get-married-and-have-kids-because-it’s-the-meaning-of-life stuff everyday to the point where taking a breath is like choking on fish bones because any rebuttal would jab my insides more as she’ll make me eat my words with her if-you-love-me-then-you’ll-do-as-I-say-without-question-like-how-any-normal-woman-who-respect-their-parents-would-do garbage until all I can muster up are stupid hyphenated run-on sentences that drag my eyelids down to meet their less hairier counterpart call the-bottom-of-my-eye.

I’m going to bed. This sucks. >_<