my "rap" of hope

We seek a life, that is made for purpose
But what do we find, and does it satisfy us
Our reputation comes first, so that no one could hurt us
We be nice to others, so that they won’t desert us

Media sways us, family tells us, that life would be this tough
Worrying about my image, is annoying enough
Girls need to be thin, while guys gotta be buff
Being alive these days, has us dying for lust.

People judging me, by common clothes I wear
Spending hours in front of the mirror, just fixing my hair
Need to look my best, try to get men to stare
But what bothered me most, was I really did care.
Life is not fair, I couldn’t bare, I couldn’t share,
who I am was masked, by so many fake layers.
I tried to conform, this act to perform,
but I guess the script torn, or got old with the worn
because playing this part, made me regret to be born.

What’s funny was this mindset, was formed back in grade 6
Put my finger down my throat once, wanna be bulimic.
Hurt so much and it didn’t work, got proof with my pics
I tried smoking then too, just for the kicks
Morals and fun, you know they just didn’t mix.
I had started a life, I thought no one can fix.

By jr high, I had started to go clubbing
Grinding and flirting, while my marks started hurting
Punking off strangers and constantly cursing
Mastered 5-finger discounts, because I had it rehearsing.

By high school, I had tried my first drug
Dropped ½ an E, at a rave with my bud
My friend didn’t stop me, I had my rep to think of,
Had my pride to build up, because I didn’t feel loved.

I looked up to a sister, who comes home at 3
Have a brother who got for her birthday, 2 dimes of weed
I was brought up by a mom, who didn’t know anything about me
A dad who didn’t live long enough, to even be ashamed of me.

So why keep trying, when I’m living I’m dying
the world keeps lying, those lies I’m buying
That I can be happy, if the real me is hiding.

But God found me, broken and needy
Not for something worldly, something to change me
To make me happy, to finally free me
From a life that eats me, with deeds I can’t flee
… once skeptical, but now I believe.
… once in bondage, but now I am free
… once empty, but now filled by the heavenly.
I do good deeds, but not ‘cause he asks me,
But I want to see, that Jesus is happy
Smiling above me and proud to have me.

He bled for me, it’s the least I can do
He died for me, murdered innocent too
I do love Him; it’s His will that I choose
It’s not required to do,
But if I don’t, than it is I who will lose
Because the path that I choose, will be banged up and bruised
But with God in my life,
there’s nothing,
I can’t
do.

Reasons for depression

I've had a bad couple of weeks... it's like that feeling you get when you're looking forward to something for the longest time, and when that day finally arrives, you realize that you were waiting for nothing. that's how i feel. i know i post up many lists of things, but i'm not gonna stop now... 'cause full sentences take too long.

why i would be depressed:

• lost my wallet on saturday... (fat, black Esprit, if anyone see it)
• bombed an exam. not the typical asian "bomb" where they end up getting a 70%, i mean fail. ppl try to comfort me by saying, "oh julie, you don't know you failed..." but i do know. i looked at my notes right after.
• messed up sleeping hours. i sleep at 4 am on a regular bases these days... like i want to sleep, but i can't, so all i'm doing is rolling around for hours... i hate that.
• baptism?? what baptism?? ... mother and i got into an arguement about it... might be called off. i don't know why she agreed before when i asked. ugh... maybe i'm suffering the consequences for something i haven't realized yet... maybe i haven't been dependant on God?
• my devotional life and prayer life hasn't been the greatest... probably 'cause of exams and essays and professors that can't teach... and 'cause i've been putting other things first... ~sigh~ why are you placing blame on other things, julie? obviously, it's your fault.
• accountibility meeting was a little depressing too... seems like there are only bad things that come up to talk about. i need some joy to leech off of.
• haven't been talking to brian enough... but when is it ever "enough"?? so i'll just say, less than usual.
• i'm feeling kinda distant from everyone... as if i'm in a box and there are just photos of all ppl i know stuck up on the wall... all i can do is look at them, know that they're there, but unreachable.

i don't know why i feel so bad, it's been a while since i've had such an empty feeling. writing this blog, i can just sit and stare blankly at what i'm writing... and not really soak in what my hands are typing. i'm chatting, i think i sound happy on the other end... but what can you tell from a typed set of words?? for all you know, i could be laughing my head off this second...

Waddup with boys?!

So we know how i feel about girls. it's time for the boys...

but before i start, let this be a warning to all you males who may be offened: you WILL be offended. But you have a problem? Bring it. i'll be sure to highlite your name in my little black book.

now then, here is my list of why boys suck:

• you think you can get any girl --> it doesn't matter how hot, smart, young, old or whether she has a boyfriend, or whether she's a lesbian; you still think you have a chance.
• having manners is like your way of flirting --> we, ladies, should be accustomed to having our chairs pulled out, doors opened, and hearing "please" and "thank you"s... but we're not. BUT we should be. BUT we're not. and now you boys use manners as your "charm"... ~sigh~
• touchiness --> you cannot be touchy with a girl unless you know she welcomes it first... otherwise... you may be known as "that touchy guy" and that's not something to be proud of.
• "i'm too man to groom" --> no. no man is too masculine to groom. guys who use chapsticks (unless they use it like girls use lipstick), have short/filed nails, maintained facial hair, etc. are NOT sissies.
• BUT speaking of sissies, waddup with homofobic guys? and not being able to say whether another guy looks alrite? AND then there are the straight guys who say/do gay things. you guys know who you are. but i think only other guys get a kick out of it...
• too much "boy power" --> when the testosterone get too high in a group, the males become perverted, loud, and sometimes obnoxious. your attitude changes like day and night. you guys are the reasons why there's so much "girl power" around - to balance out the gender vibes. The only difference is, girls are on the other end of the spectrum; we become quite, isolated, and anti-male. What do you think we're talking about when we go to the washroom together?
• the amount you eat is insane --> you can be the smallest guy ever, yet have the appetite of an ox... and not gain a pound. that's why society has made the custom for males to pay the dinner bill, because you eat your meal and than the girl's. (it's too bad i'm the exception to the steriotypical girl... that's why i don't like people paying for me. *HA*)
• what is up with the bad boy image?! --> AHH! who wants a bad boy other than bad girls?! ... huh... oh... i see. o_O gross.

i know i'm bias and i'm generalizing, but there are less words to type this way. but for the most part, what i said was what i meant. there's only one "i" in "i"... it's all my opinion. so don't come to me with crying babies asking for my healing. you want to fight? than come.

why girls suck

it's a harsh fact, ladies, but it's true. a majority of girls suck (and i'm not talking about "sucking" litterally). you can disagree all you want, but i can guarantee that at least ONE of the characteristics i've listed below can apply to you. these things aren't permanent, we can change if we really wanted to... but it's in our nature.

no doubt that boys suck, but that's another chapter.

now then, here is a list of why girls suck (in no particular order):

• we expect things we don't ask for --> these things can be matericalistic (ex. a gift for petty occasions) or some kind of action (ex. opened doors, complements, etc.). when we don't get it, we're not seriously depressed, just a little disappointed.
• we never know what we want from people --> if we're upset at someone and they ask us what we want them to do, we don't know! it's like a "you should know"-typa deal.
• when we flirt or joke around, we expect the other party will play along --> it doesn't matter if you have a girlfriend or not, or if you're a girl yourself, it's manners to humour us.
• BUT going along with that, not every little action is a "subtle sign of affection"... we may just be friendly, not flirty. up to you to decide what is what.
• we're selfish and stubborn --> everyone's selfish in some aspect or another, but when we want something (someone), we'll do whatever it takes to get it (until we realize that there's absolutely no way of getting whatever it is... and this realization usually comes when it's too late).
• there's usually no logical explaination of how we feel, when we feel it (unless it's PMS). please don't think we' just trying to hide something or we're mad at you... because for the most part, there is no logical explaination to satisfy you. For example, if i say, "i'm not feeling too good today." Don't continuously ask me questions like, "was it something i did? was it something you ate? did you get in an agruement? is it that time of month? what happened?!" Guys, show your concern and comfort us, but don't be a broken record of questions.

That's about all i have thus far... if you have any comments, i urge you to respond. this way, i'll know who to add on my "to kill" list.

i have conformed once again

for the longest time i watched as my friends spill their hearts and guts into a blog page and subtly hint to me to go read it... though i do on occasion read them, i'd always prefer them to just tell me. would you rather hear a conversation directly from the person or through a webpage of words in a writing style they'd never use/say in real life?

now i have become one of them.

i want to experience the satisfaction of spending hours to write a paragraph or 2 about the messed up things i'm thinking or things that happen to me which, i know, only a handful of ppl will read.

if you're ready to step away from artificial norm of reality, than step into me.

-----

1 of 8 life goals: try all the different kinds of Pocky.
-->Today, i had the "Royal Milk Tea Mousse" Pocky... ~drool~