a note to Mr. Perfect:

I'm still lovin' this song!

Mr. Perfect, it would be great if these lyrics described how you felt about me all the time. =)

B.o.B - Nothin' On You


What can I say, I can be a little insecure sometimes with so many beautiful women roaming the streets and possibly hitting on you... 'cause you know - you're THAT amazing.

worst way to go

Recently, it seems like a lot more people “closer” to me have been committing suicide. That's right, taking their own lives. Needless to say, I personally don't know these people, but they were/are friends of friends of mine. Even five-degrees of separation is already very uncomfortable for me.

Mind is blown into smithereens.

I can't fathom the intensity and volume of conscious/unconscious suicidal thoughts that filled someone's mind before deciding that killing themselves was the only solution. Was that the only way? There must've been SOMETHING or someone that could've done something to stop them?! ... right? Life is so precious and so amazing to experience... I don't understand...

How? Why? What went wrong? Who did this to you?

On the news a little while ago, there was a young psychiatrist in Hamilton who took her baby's life and her own life... a psychiatrist?!

A coworker told me her friend's dad committed suicide a couple weeks ago... a well-off, well-loved, near retirement man who over-dosed with anti-depressants and other drugs in his car one seemingly regular day.

My friend just told me today his childhood friend and current colleague jumped onto the tracks after his final med school exam... he was going to be a doctor... people who knew him would've ever guessed him to be suicidal.

... these stories break my heart so much... I wish there was something I can do... =(

my revenge

You asshole.

Did you really think I would stay silent forever? Please. You don't know anything. You deserve to die and rot for the pain you've put me through... but that would be too kind... I want you to suffer and be ripped apart like I was.

I want you and generations after you to have everything loved stripped away – I want you tormented for the shit you did to me. You deserve it. No, YOU DESERVE MORE THAN THAT! YOU'RE KILLING ME!! DON'T YOU KNOW THAT?!

... but do you want to know what hurts me the most?

It's that you don't even care.

You don't care... not one little bit.


If I were mother nature, that's what I'd say to the urban human race.

"The sheer scale of what is now required [to save the planet] has never been attempted and the shortfall between scientific theory and political action remains huge. There is a lot wrong with our world. But it is not as bad as many people think. It is actually worse."
- Michael Meacher, Environment Minister, Newcastle University

Happy Earth Day, Everyone

just give it to me

There is nothing better than honesty. It's a character trait which demands so much, yet gives back so little in comparison.

When it comes to telling the truth, it puts important things on the line... because half the time it gets welcomed by disgust, anger, hatred, pain and judgement. As that saying goes, “You can't handle the [ugly] truth!” People sacrifice relationships/friendships, careers, political gain, pride/ego/reputation, money, safety, etc... only for the sake of exposing the truth. Beautiful. A modern day martyr.

I guess we can sugar coat our statements... you know, make it softer on the ears... but usually that takes a lot of time and beating around the bush. As a stickler for efficiency; less words, more concise phrasing, appropriate timing is greatly appreciated. I'm learning to love, more and more, the world's blunt people.

Honesty, truth, genuineness, frankness, integrity...

In the words of Homer Simpson (taken out of context, of course), “...it's the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.”

cocky jerk.

This entry is going to expose a lot of ugliness I've been trying to keep camouflaged as “friendliness.” It's common, yet unspoken of, as it's chained to judgement. Unfortunately, judgement is warranted here, since it's a pretty damn selfish thing to do/admit to. Think of this as my confession...

*deep breath* Here goes...

I lead guys on and drop them rather quickly (usually as I see fit). I know, what a bitch. Of course, I can't drop a guy who doesn't show interest towards me... so I pursue him a little. Yes, I love the chase too. One might ask whether I'm actually attracted to these guys? At the time – most of the time, but not all the time – I would say yes. The level of attraction grows and shrinks the more interaction there is between he and I. More often than not, it's a descending level of attraction. These guys would then enter into my Friend Zone.

No one gets out of the Friend Zone. Let the record show that I've never dated a good friend... not that it's slim pickin's in there, it's just not something that's happened.

The trend is that I have a one-month cut-off mark. That's the cut-off for the chase and the cut-off mark of when my initial attraction dies completely (i.e. it was nothing more than infatuation). If it goes longer than a month, but the relationship is not “going anywhere” in my eyes or circumstances just don't allow us to communicate often enough; I'd stop chasing suddenly, usually without warning and then the guy inadvertently proceeds into the Friend Zone. Even if the guy likes me back, I make sure “we” can't happen... mainly because I say to myself, “he doesn't know what's best for him, he's blinded by a petty crush. Therefore, to help him get over these emotions, I will cut him out of my life... because that's what I would want him to do for me should the roles be reversed.”

Why do I “toy” with people's feelings? I've narrowed it down to 4 reasons:

• attention
• boredom
• fear of rejection
• filling a void which I can't quite describe (Christians, don't tell me it's God. I know.)

In all fairness, at the time, it's not intentional. I'm not trying to hurt people. It's something I would pickup on after the fact... and quite frankly, it's probably been this way all my life because I never make a conscious effort to change. I'm a lazy cocky jerk. I'm a lazy cocky jerk that will eventually have her heart seriously broken and everyone – including herself – will say she deserved it.

I wait for that day in anticipation... (or maybe I should change my ways...)

(untitled)

My first tears of 2010 fell today...

R.I.P. grandma.

I feel... for the first time in a while... very lonely... her passing has triggered a lot of forgotten emotions... because at this moment, it seems like there's no one I can turn to. No one to hug. No one to tell me it's okay. No one to to just be here.

Who was she? I didn't care to know her while she was with me... and now she's gone. and now I regret so much.

What timing.

A few hours from now, enough time will pass and I will be normal again. Please pray for my family. thanks...