Reasons for depression

I've had a bad couple of weeks... it's like that feeling you get when you're looking forward to something for the longest time, and when that day finally arrives, you realize that you were waiting for nothing. that's how i feel. i know i post up many lists of things, but i'm not gonna stop now... 'cause full sentences take too long.

why i would be depressed:

• lost my wallet on saturday... (fat, black Esprit, if anyone see it)
• bombed an exam. not the typical asian "bomb" where they end up getting a 70%, i mean fail. ppl try to comfort me by saying, "oh julie, you don't know you failed..." but i do know. i looked at my notes right after.
• messed up sleeping hours. i sleep at 4 am on a regular bases these days... like i want to sleep, but i can't, so all i'm doing is rolling around for hours... i hate that.
• baptism?? what baptism?? ... mother and i got into an arguement about it... might be called off. i don't know why she agreed before when i asked. ugh... maybe i'm suffering the consequences for something i haven't realized yet... maybe i haven't been dependant on God?
• my devotional life and prayer life hasn't been the greatest... probably 'cause of exams and essays and professors that can't teach... and 'cause i've been putting other things first... ~sigh~ why are you placing blame on other things, julie? obviously, it's your fault.
• accountibility meeting was a little depressing too... seems like there are only bad things that come up to talk about. i need some joy to leech off of.
• haven't been talking to brian enough... but when is it ever "enough"?? so i'll just say, less than usual.
• i'm feeling kinda distant from everyone... as if i'm in a box and there are just photos of all ppl i know stuck up on the wall... all i can do is look at them, know that they're there, but unreachable.

i don't know why i feel so bad, it's been a while since i've had such an empty feeling. writing this blog, i can just sit and stare blankly at what i'm writing... and not really soak in what my hands are typing. i'm chatting, i think i sound happy on the other end... but what can you tell from a typed set of words?? for all you know, i could be laughing my head off this second...